#I definitely got lazy with the effects but I’ll excuse myself for it since even if I tried I wouldn’t be able to emulate the real deal

[arolesbianism]

Act 1-2 isat au Aris battle icons are done babey! This was hell to draw!!!

[anotheranimestan]

Kiss Drought

Jealous Aizawa smut + possessiveness

NSFW!! Please note y/n is of age here!!

wc: 3.9k

Since my last Aizawa post is my most successful one (I am happily surprised) it only made sense to make my first smutty post for him 🤤

Perched on a barstool playing with the straw in your drink, you were waiting for your date to show. Being late wasn’t completely out of the ordinary for Shouta Aizawa but you were missing him badly tonight. Impatient since you hadn’t been able to see him for a few days. Somehow you’d convinced him to join you for a night out at this bar. You’d spent hours getting ready out of pure excitement. Putting on your sluttiest dress and lingerie to make it worth his while.

You settled yourself at the end of the bar, secluded where the lights didn’t reach and few people were. Aizawa hated being in the spotlights. Excited to see if you all done up for him had the intended effect, your eyes were glued to the door. Your hopes getting crushed every time another person walked in that wasn’t him.

“Hey.” A voice projecting over the music tore through your concentration. You jumped to find a tall burly guy with spiked hair and an over-confident smile leaning against the bar next to you.

You didn’t respond. Just stared at him in pure confusion. Surely you didn’t look like you wanted anyone to talk to you.

“How’s your night going?” He persisted.

“Fine.” You said curtly.

“That’s good. I saw you hiding back here from across the way there and I told my bud ‘I just have to go say hi to that smoking chick.’”

You grimaced. A master at flattery.

“So what’s your name?” He continued, not picking up on any of your social cues.

You gave him the stupidest fake name you could think of on the spot.

“Ah. Of course a hot girl has a hot name.”

You nodded in agreement. Listening to him was killing your brain cells.

“You look familiar you know....wait. You’re one of those pros from the next town over aren’t you.”

You nodded. Surprised he had the mental capacity to recognize smaller heroes like yourself.

He scoffed, proud of himself. “I knew it. Lady heroes are always hot.” Dear god someone get him away. “You know I could have gone pro myself.”

“Oh yea?” You replied doubtfully.

“Yeaaaa. But you know, I figured better not. Villains would have a hard time against me.” He joked. He raised his bicep and winked at you. Clearly about to show off whatever pitiful power-up quirk he was so proud of.

But his confident smile fell as you stared at him waiting to get his little show over with. His face contorted into horror. Realizing he couldn’t power-up.

“Ah. That’s weird.” He said unable to comprehend what was happening. But you were pretty sure you knew what was up.

“Aw honey it’s okay.” You cooed. “Sometimes alcohol makes it hard for guys to...you know...get things working.” You gave him your best fake smile. Highly amused by his ego shattering.

“Excuse me.” He sputtered and ran to the restrooms in humiliation.

You chuckled to yourself as you watched him nearly crying when he disappeared behind the bathroom door.

Suddenly you sensed a presence looming behind you.

“I figured you were somewhere nearby.”

You turned in your seat to find sleepy midnight eyes focused on you under a few loose strands of silky black hair. He had his hair tied back just the way you liked it and he hadn’t shaved in a few days so the stubble on his chin completed his signature look. He was so fucking handsome. You’d missed him so much.

“Sorry I’m late...” His gravely voice sounded like he just woke up. “but you look amazing.” He said sweetly soaking you in.

Forgiveness wasn’t even necessary. You immediately melted any time he was in the room. It was effortless the way he could snatch you up.

“That wasn’t very nice of you, Eraserhead.” You teased with a raised eyebrow. Already succumbing to his gravity that always seemed to pull you in.

He immediately knew you weren’t referring to his tardiness. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He lied with a little smile playing on his lips. Looking down as he felt your finger which was tracing the line down the center of his chest that was deliciously exposed by his partially unbuttoned button-down shirt. It wasn’t fair how he always looked so effortlessly sexy.

“I think he just wanted to be friends. No need to be jealous.” You cooed, knowing it was going to swirl up emotions in him that he was definitely going to deny. A little payback for being late.

He leaned down to your level. You held your lips dangerously close to his. Waiting for him to kiss the honeyed words off your tongue, despite the impatient desire growing in your chest. He always liked to make you wait. It gives him satisfaction knowing you’re stubborn enough to hold out for him to make the first move. Few people are more stubborn than himself. He always found that impressive about you. That and the way you were so good at baiting him.

“I don’t think I need to be jealous about that...situation.” He was willing to bite tonight.

“And why not?” You pretended to pout, tugging on his shirt with your ring finger for him to come closer and close the gap.

He considered his next move. Well aware that you were ready to pounce on any weak response.

“I can tell by the way you’re looking at me right now.” The edge of his lips tilted up. Knowing he had you cornered.

You growled, biting your lip. He came ready tonight. You hated when he smirked like that. Like he’d won. Even if it did make him look incredibly sexy.

“That’s very bold of you.”

“Am I wrong?”

He finally ended his touch drought and caressed your delicate jaw. So distracted by him quenching your thirst you’d forgotten to respond. You just sat there hanging on to his every movement. Entranced by the way he was admiring the color of your mouth.

His thumb grazed the center of your plump bottom lip. Dragging it down to watch the way it cushioned under his pressure.

He chuckled when you stuck your tongue out as he traced. Licking the pad of his thumb and then wrapping your pretty lips around it.

“I’ll take that as a no.” He said with a smug grin.

Somehow you went from being the cat to being his mouse.

“You are cruel.” You pouted. Begging him with your eyes to end this torture and kiss you.

It made him smile, with strange satisfaction knowing you’re too hard-headed to just ask for what you wanted. A sadist at heart. But you were so adorable when you were like this.

He answered your unspoken plea. “How about I buy you a drink first.” Deciding to hold out on you. Not ready to end this game you started quite yet.

You huffed.

“Someone beat you to it. Early bird gets the worm I guess.” You gestured to the glass of dark liquor sitting on a coaster next to you, knowing damn well you’d bought it for yourself. But you weren’t going to let him get away with this treatment.

He gave you a skeptical look.

“What? Does that bother you baby?” You pressed. You’d get him to admit it one day.

He paused. “Again, not that concerned considering you didn’t drink any of it.” You realized you hadn’t even taken your first sip yet.

Fuck. It’s like he was running on a full nights rest or something.

He slid the glass out of your hand. Disposing it just in case someone actually had tried to buy his girl a drink. Waving the bartender down he ordered your favorite, which he’d memorized a long time ago. A move no other man in this bar could attempt to pull.

“Wow. My favorite drink. Are you trying to impress me or something?” You asked with a cocked brow.

He smirked as he handed over his card to open a tab. You knew exactly the kind of power move he was pulling.

This flicker of his competitive side sent a surge of tingles between your legs which were currently spread on either side of Aizawa’s jeans. After a few days without him you were already longing for him. This was making it worse. You found yourself pressing your thighs together, which didn’t go unnoticed.

His voice was so deep and his tongue lazy when he spoke. You could practically feel the vibrations of his vocal chords right now, just like when they moaned into your mouth. The yearning for him was growing deeper in the pit of your stomach. But he was set on stringing you along. Punishment for teasing him about another guy.

“Here.” He placed the lightly a dewed drink in your hands, ice clinking against the glass. His fingers grazing yours sent another wave of frustration through you as you pictured them caressing your skin.

You’d run out of quips and were feeling tongue-tied. Focusing on the growing swirls of sensations that were beginning to dampen your black lace thong, Aizawa’s favorite.

Aizawa took some long draws of his drink while watching you sip in yours. Eyes intent on your lips wrapped around that straw. The tensing of your delicate throat as you swallowed. Picturing your pink tongue lapping the pad of his thumb again.

He finally sat down on the other bar stool. His knees parting to give himself room for the pressure you were stirring between his legs.

You prodded him with some questions about work. But he was being awfully quiet. He only half-heartedly answered your questions.

Getting a fuller view of you now he was too distracted. His body temperature rose at the tightness of your dress against your body. Your exposed neckline hinting at the fullness of your breasts underneath. Your legs looking smooth and long in that dress that stopped only a few inches below your ass.

Irritation flashed through Aizawa’s skin as, over your shoulder, he saw the guy emerge from the bathroom and look directly at him. He had started walking in your direction, like he was coming back for seconds, before he noticed you were with another man. He hadn’t been that bothered when he first arrived but now he felt his rarely-seen temper flaring up at the thought of this guy trying to make a move on you.

You were mid-sentence when you saw Aizawa’s jaw clench. His irritation fueled the fire that was blazing in your lower stomach. He only got that possessive look in his eye over one thing. You.

You had to shift in your chair to try and ease the throbbing under your dress. Desperately trying to distract yourself if you were going to be able to hold out against Aizawa’s punishment drought.

You were going to need a few shots to pull it off. Pulling your dress down, unsuccessfully trying covering your butt, you stood up to wave the bartender down.

Aizawa flinched, the tightness in his pants growing after seeing the curve of your ass peeking out under your dress. His body went up in flames however when he caught muscle man catching a look as well. Temper properly stoked, he was hellbent at letting this guy know he could go fuck himself.

You felt Aizawa snatch your wrist and pull you between his legs. Yelping at the abrupt movement, you stabled yourself from tripping over your heels on his crotch, accidentally, and felt the lump that had formed there.

“What are you doing?” He growled in your ear.

“I’m...ordering another drink?” You said confused.

“I’m the only person who’ll be ordering your drinks for the rest of the night.” He informed you warmly, giving your ass a squeeze before resting his hand over the exposed part. “What do you want babe?” He cooed when the bartender arrived.

He ordered four shots of your favorite tequila.

Your arms draped around his shoulders as he held you in his domain. One arm relaxed on the bar, the other territorially holding you against him.

As you both downed the shots you noticed him glaring at something every few seconds under hooded eyes.

“What are you looking at?” You said leaning forward.

“Nothing important.” He growled through a clenched jaw.

But you’d followed his eye-line to find the man from earlier at the other end. You grinned in satisfaction.

A devious streak surged through you. Excited to see how your man would react to you now.

“I thought you weren’t jealous.”

His dick twitched at your hand brushing over his jeans.

“I’m not.”

“Well it seems like he’s bothering you. Want me to go over there and have a few words with him for you babe?”

He chuckled. “I don’t think you want to try something like that.”

“I think I might.”

He downed his last shot, the alcohol starting to buzz in his head. He was struggling to keep his temper under control. You were really testing him, on purpose too which made it worse. But he knew how you worked and how to press your buttons.

“Then go do it.” He urged. Releasing his hold on you. Holding his arms up in the air.

You huffed. Wrapping your arms around him even tighter. You hated when he did that. He knew you wouldn’t go. And you hated even more when he took his hands off you.

“You’re so mean.” You whined.

He chuckled. “I’m sorry baby. But you really think I’d let you win this little teasing game of yours so easily?” You yelped when his hand came down heavy on your ass again. Jutting your hips onto his hardened boner. “Unless you’re trying to tell me I have an actual reason to be jealous.” He dared you, looking you directly in the eyes.

He had you cornered again. His little mouse. You couldn’t even pretend to admit that another man caught your eye. And the throbbing in your panties was unbearable now. You were dying to smash your mouth on his.

You whimpered as he swept your hair from your neck. His lips only grazing your skin as he whispered into your ear. “You can tell me the truth baby.” He cooed.

You were barely holding out against him. Your stubbornness was seconds from giving out. His deep voice in your ear had you dripping. You crossed your legs trying to hold yourself together but Aizawa wasn’t about to let that happen.

“Come here.” He instructed as he lifted your leg over his knee so that you straddled his thigh. The pressure against your throbbing sex eliciting a soft moan.

He gave one more glance at the pathetic guy from earlier who was visibly tense. Having to watch you perched on his lap. Wilting over him in submission.

Suddenly you were very thankful you were tucked away where few people could possibly notice you melting over him, a mess.

“So? Should I be jealous?” He placed his final chess piece.

You whimpered more as his hand guided your hips to grind against him. Your stubbornness snapped.

You shook your head no into the crook of his neck. Your pussy started convulsing, desperately wanting him to touch you.

“Say it.”

“No baby. There’s no one to be jealous about. Nothing.”

You whined into his ear pressing your lips against him.

He groaned in satisfaction at hearing you admit it.

He shifted his leg to stretch out your stance. Your knee hooked over his thigh, exposing you so he had full access. The cold air hitting your drenched underwear made your breath hitch.

His thumb massaged the inside of your thigh, causing your hips to buck in anticipation. It was killing you.

“Please Shouta. Stop teasing me.” You whined.

You licked your lips which were painfully dry from lack of kisses.

The gloss of your saliva on your lips made his mouth water.

“You look so pretty.” He said grazing the outside of your drenched panties with one finger.

You bit back a moan that was surely going to be so loud everyone at the bar was going to hear.

“Fuck. You’re so wet...all this for me?” He said hanging his head back as he fought the urge to throw you onto the bar and ram his dick into you. Right where muscle man could see.

Another soft moan from you brought him back though. You nodded, cheeks flushed with embarrassment that he had you this unraveled in front of everyone. Although surprisingly nobody had noticed yet.

He slipped two fingers past your lips. Your tongue swirling around them. His dick throbbed at the sight of your mouth wrapped around him. Sadly wrapped around the wrong body part.

He removed them slowly. Mouth gaping at the saliva that strung off your tongue as he moved them back under your dress, moving your panties to the side and tracing tracing a wide circle around your clit. Just slow enough to hold you on the edge of pleasure.

“I want to hear you say whose pussy this is.” You cried softly. “Tell me baby.” He said watching your face contort at his touch.

You dipped your lips to his ear. Too abashed to look him directly in the eyes right now as he had you helplessly wrapped around his finger.

“It’s yours.” You squeaked out.

“Say my name.”

You were squirming uncontrollably now. But he was careful not to give you what you were dying for until he heard the words spill off your tongue. “It’s yours Shouta...all yours. Please just fuck me already.” You gushed.

“I love how my name sounds in your mouth.” He cooed as he plunged two fingers into you. Feeling the juices swirl around his fingers as he pumped them slowly in and out.

Your hand latched onto his shoulder, digging in at his touch. Your hips couldn’t stop grinding against his hand as you used his thumb as a rubbing board for your clit.

“Look at me.” The sight of your face flushed with pleasure was turning him on even more. Abusing your clit even faster as he felt your walls pulsing around his fingers. The tightness in his pants growing painful at how much it wanted you sat on top of him.

“Kiss me.” You pleaded one last time.

Finally ending his kiss drought, he attached onto that pouty bottom lip of yours. Sucking it hungrily. It had been just as hard for him to keep himself off you. He’d been dying to taste every inch of your body.

You latched onto his lip hoping you’d never have to let go. Biting hard to release all the frustration he’d built up in you. He flinched in pain. Having to slip his hands out of you to pry you off him.

“Fuck.” He said feeling his lip. You’d bit him so hard a little blood had been drawn.

“I’m sorry.” You said biting your nail.

“I suppose that was my own fault wasn’t it.” He smiled before sucking your juices off his fingers.

The sight was enough to send you over the edge. Your pussy was clenching around nothing. Grasping for his dick. You needed him. Right now.

You broke out of his hold and dragged his weight behind you to the ladies restroom. Thanking the heavens there was no line because you would easily have punched your way through it.

Slamming the door shut and locking it he immediately threw your weight against the wall. Picking you up and wrapping your legs around him. You clung to him like he was life itself and started aggressively sucking hickeys onto his neck.

“I missed you so fucking much.” You whined into his ear.

“I missed you too baby. A lot.” He said kissing your neck as he ripped his jeans and briefs down. He couldn’t wait another second to get inside of you.

His dick was rock hard as he swirled the head around your wet opening. Coating it with your warm juices. He groaned loudly in your ear as he sunk into you for the first time.

“Fuck you feel so good.”

Chills went through you as you felt him stretching out your walls. Wanting him to stuff you with every inch he had.

He pumped into you quickly. You relished at the pain and pleasure of his forceful thrusts. He wanted you so desperately he couldn’t control his power even if he wanted to.

He crashed his mouth against yours to muffle the loud moans that they definitely could hear on the other side of the door.

His mouth started sucking on that pink tongue of yours, mixing with the intense pleasure of him rutting into you. Your hold around his shoulders was going limp. He was fucking the strength right out of you.

“Turn around.” He ordered as he placed you back on the ground. Hiking your dress up to completely expose your ass.

He pressed your chest up against the wall. The cold bricks chilling your skin as he pushed your panties to the side again and inserted his entire shaft from behind. Bottoming out with one forceful thrust and holding it there as he hit your g-spot. Pleasure surged through your body, causing you to moan his name.

The sound of his name pouring off your lips was causing rumbling in his head. He felt himself nearing as he rammed into you faster. Dick throbbing at the way your ass jiggled every time he thrust into you.

The knot in your stomach grew tighter as you started rubbing circles around your clit. He was hitting your g-spot with every stroke. You were seconds away from overflowing with euphoria.

“I’m gonna cum Shouta.” You whined as he kept at you relentlessly. Hands clamped on your hips.

“Cum on me baby.” He encouraged as he felt your legs starting to shake.

Just then the knot snapped. And electricity flooded your body. Your hand clamped around his, pulling him against your back in pure gratitude.

Your walls tightening around him sent him over the edge. His rhythm growing sloppy just as he burst, filling you with warm cum. Groaning as he threw his last few weak pumps in pleasure. Coming down from his intense high.

“Shit y/n. Come here.” He said wrapping around your neck and pulling you up to place a sloppy wet kiss on the mouth that had been calling his name.

You both were breathing heavy as he pulled you into his arms. You nuzzled your face into him. Silently worshiping him for the satisfied humming in your body left over from your chilling orgasm.

“I think I missed you more than I realized.” He cooed into your ear. Gently rubbing your pussy from behind. Reminiscing on how amazing the juices felt around him.

You giggled. Yanking him into one last lingering kiss before pulling your dress back down.

He buckled himself up and patted your hair down that he’d disheveled.

When you opened the door, several stunned faces were staring at you.

Giggling nervously, Aizawa pulled you through the crowd to go close his tab out.

He was holding your hand tight as you clung to his arm. Staring at his side profile with hearts in your eyes as he tipped the bartender.

On your way out you bumped into someone’s back. The muscle man turned around in shock.

Not batting an eye you said “excuse me” and kept walking.

You looked up nervously to see Aizawa’s response to the poorly timed interaction but he was just peering at you out of the corner of his eyes with a satisfied little grin.

He grabbed your jaw and pressed a deep kiss on you. Not breaking his stride once as he led you to the door.

“Let’s hurry up and go home. I’m not finished with you yet.”

~~

First smut post so hopefully it didn’t suck 😩

General tags from masterlist: @edgyb1tch @waywardcowboyllamavoid @ladybeautiful18 @halietigges @frosted-flakes @r0zyp0zy0zy @myherosilhouette @wackichris @chargeandinlarge @dumbbird89 @fullsundear @blisssfoooll @tee2cute @dxddydrea @themajesticunicorn

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[painted-crow]

Did you model Bookkeeper Badger or Courtier Badger most of the time ?

In regards to the past tense you're using--it's the Badger primary model I dropped. Which, I've held on to some of its ideals, but they're just another part of my Bird primary system, and that feels very different.

My Badger secondary model is still good and kicking though!

I was just gonna write about how I use it (and how I try not to use it) to answer this ask, but then it turned into

Secondary Toast Revolving Door, Part 3

(Badger model edition)

and I'm just gonna roll with it.

I did have an unhealthy way I used my Badger secondary model that was... either extreme Bookkeeper, or it's actually been unhealthy Lion secondary all along and I've been mis-Sorting it and this is why the idea of using Lion secondary wigs me out a little. (It's fine when other people use it, but I find the prospect of using it myself at least slightly terrifying.)

Part of my problem is that I'm way too used to situations where pushing through despite feeling like I was about to collapse was the only option. It's probably got to do with... well, some childhood stuff I won't go into too deeply. My mom was in the hospital a lot. The school situation I was in just made everything worse. It's complicated.

Anyway, if I'm under stress, I dissociate out exhaustion, hunger, emotional distress, and even physical pain for hours or days at a time, and I can buckle down and hyperfocus on work (in what would be panic mode if I were more aware of my emotions during these periods). It sounds useful and badass but it really isn't.

Downside #1 is that I will eventually feel the effects of that panic, and any other needs I've been ignoring--it might be at a more convenient time, but those effects definitely won't be lessened.

Downside #2 is traumatic burnout. Do not try this at home. (I always hesitate to use the word "trauma" for my experiences, but the physical reaction I get to writing about some of this stuff says otherwise.)

Downside #3 is that I don't get to choose when my brain does or doesn't do this. It just happens when I'm under stress. I can't count how many times I've had an actual migraine and not noticed why I was so irritable for hours, when I could have taken something.

Downside #4 is that it works. This is possibly the worst one, because the phrase "do your best" takes on a cold sweat-inducing new meaning. My little "ability" has led to some absolutely buckwild performances under deadline, none of which I want to repeat, and I'm not sure I like knowing how much I can get done if I prioritize not failing over not burning out.

(On that note, if you thought my Badger primary model was Exploded last year, you should've seen it 3-4 years ago. I remember when this Kitten Witch post first went up, because I was like "...what? wait--")

In short, this is a very shitty superpower and I would like to re-roll.

I'm undecided whether this is a Badger flavored emergency mode, or the only Lion secondary I can recall using. I lean towards Badger because I have this pathological inability to half-ass anything, and it does not go away during emergencies. But it's possible that it felt Badger flavored because my unhealthy Badger primary model was egging it on with its self deprecating (...self dehumanizing?) exploded Badger crap.

So, wanna know how I got into these nasty deadline crunch situations where emergency hardcore Badger mode became "necessary"?

(I feel like I should reiterate my trigger warning on this series about now: we're talking about gifted kid burnout stuff and I'm about to sarcastically skewer some of my old thought processes here.)

Adequately warned? Great! Here are the step by step instructions to a real shitty time!

Take on a bunch of work while you're feeling okay, based on how much you think everyone else is doing.

Depression gets inevitably triggered somehow, by life stress or overwork or winter or whatever. Burn Bird secondary because that's been a stress response at least since high school.

Have absolutely no clue about the fact that your "limits" vary drastically and your productivity has huge peaks and valleys due to various forms of undiagnosed neurodivergence, which school/college is not designed to accommodate. So, rather than taking a rest and sorting out the stressful thing, get mad at yourself for "being lazy"!

Continue trying to work. Struggle wildly with executive dysfunction. Panic. Get frustrated and angry at yourself. It's cool, I'm sure this will make your Bird secondary start working again soon. (just kidding lol it's making it worse)

When you've aggravated your depression enough, shut down for a few months! Your work will still be there. Piling up. Taunting you. you're falling so far behind what are you doing everyone else can keep up except you

Get sick for a week. Feel relieved that at least now you have a legitimate excuse to not be working. This benefit may feel like it outweighs the symptoms of the flu or sinus infection or whatever you have.

Go into emergency hardcore mode, complete a ridiculous workload in the week before deadline, turn it all in, be almost too exhausted to feel guilty about doing everything last minute.

me: "I don't have ADHD! My focus is usually fine."

also me: this. ^ what is this.

So, I avoid that now. If I notice when Step 3 is happening and I can switch tasks--maybe clean my living space, do some laundry, get some good food, take care of tasks unrelated to whatever project it is that I'm too freaked out to work on--then Bird will be back in a week or two, assuming nothing else huge and stressful happens, and I'll have another productivity peak that'll let me catch up.

This is not the conventional wisdom. Conventional wisdom says you must never break momentum, you must schedule your work out 6 weeks ahead so you always know if you're on track, you must...!

Totally counterproductive for me. My brain is weird and did not come with a manual.

These days, on top of my Bird secondary, I model a mixture of Bookkeeper Badger and mirroring (a Courtier skill), for a number of purposes. I find work satisfying, I'm not afraid of long projects (that I choose), and that shifting, empathetic mirroring response is my default social mode.

But Badger's most important job is to gently take over when Bird is stressed out, and give it space to recover while methodically fixing anything about my situation that's not helping. It's good for that.

I prefer it to the alternative, anyway.

[happykawa]

[ goldfish ] t.k

afsghjkdls ive got some writing juice i gotta use before it expires shdjhskj everyone’s 18+ and in college and this isn’t proofread sorry if its long

You help clean the volleyball court as the rest of the members pack their things. Today had been a fairly good day for training. Everything went smoothly, well, as smooth as things could go in the team. 

You say your goodbyes to your seniors before you head the opposite way with Tadashi and Tsukishima. 

“Say, y/n-chan,” Tadashi starts and you turn to him.

“Hm?”

 “How’s it going with your crush?” Tadashi asks, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. Tsukishima remains nonchalant, though he does turn to you.

You feel your ears turn pink and you look away, afraid your eyes may reveal something clandestine.

“Nothing, still. I haven’t gathered up the courage to confess.” You chuckle nervously, rubbing the back of your head. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Tsukishima look away in disinterest, and you feel your heart break a little. Just a little though.

Tadashi sighs. “Maybe if you just told us we could help you!” He pokes your side with his elbow.

“N-no, no thanks. I feel like that would just make things even more complicated, and I wanna do it on my own terms.” You give Tadashi an apologetic smile, letting your eyes glance over to a certain blond for a split second.

That was an understatement. Telling Tadashi would make things much much more complicated, considering your crush was none other than the snarky blonde on the opposite side of your small group.

“Okay, I can respect that.” 

The rest of the walk is silent, and Tadashi eventually branches off to his street, leaving you alone with the one and only Tsukishima.

You could never really pinpoint when you started having a crush on Tsukishima. Next to Tadashi, you’ve known him the longest, so it’s definitely hard to say when it exactly started, given all the time you’ve spent together.

However, if you were asked, you’d probably say sometime before high school. When you realised it, you were terrified to say the least. Falling for the crankiest person you know isn’t exactly ideal.

Furthermore, Tsukki never really showed interest in romance, so for all your years of friendship, you don’t know anything about his preferences or his tells.

Recently, you’ve grown hyper aware of your emotions, due to spending even more time with him as an assistant manager of the volleyball club. It’s quite the miracle that you’re not a tomato now given your close proximity to the him. 

“Oi, don’t think too much, you might use your last brain cell.” A cool voice breaks you out of your reverie.

You huff and pout. “Tsukishima, you’re so mean. I have more than one brain cell you know. I can afford to think.”

“I’m surprised you even have one left, with how you were looking earlier with physics.” He snickers.

You slap his arm. “Well not all of us have an unlimited supply, you know. I have to make do with what I have.”

“Two brain cells?” He snickers once again.

You roll your eyes playfully. “Yes, thank you very much.”

“Both working?”

“Okay, now that’s just mean.” You cross your arms over your chest. “I can’t help it if one of them decidedly thinks about–my crush.” You quickly save yourself the slip up of nearly saying ‘you’. You give yourself an internal pat on the back.

Seeing as you’ve entered the topic of your ‘crush’, you take the rare opportunity to subtly ask him about it. “Say, Tsukishima, if a girl were to confess to you, how would you want it to go, ideally?”

“I’d want her to make me king of the Japan, before gifting me with an Ankylosaurus army to take over the world with. Maybe a torture chamber for the king and the shrimp.”

You scoff. “That’s ridiculous, you can’t even ride an Ankylosaurus, how the hell would you use it to take over the world?”

You hear what you can only think of as a chuckle from Tsukishima. “It’s more plausible than the question you’re asking me. Of all the people, really. Do I look like a person who cares about that stuff?”

“Well, I just thought, you’re a guy, you ought’a know, right? I’m sorry for assuming the best of you.” You huff out again.

“It doesn’t matter anyway, it’s all gonna end the same anyway.”

“How’s that?”

He smiles positively, and your heart is filled with hope, confused hope, but hope nonetheless. 

“I’d happily reject them.” 

Your face falls. “You really are a horrible person.” You grumble.

“I don’t really care for romance. I think it’s useless and burdening, all that obligation and responsibility and for what? Just so you can feel validated by another person? I can do that for myself, and it’d be cheaper too. Plus, it’ll save me from all that nasty crying once we break up.” He replies coldly, and you feel your heart shatter. 

The way he says it doesn’t help. He says it with so much disdain that you can’t help but think about how stupid you are for thinking that that you could ever have a chance with him.

You manage to keep your tears in and your face straight. You can’t look him in the eyes without bursting so you opt for the road ahead of you instead. You feel relief as you catch sight of your house in the distance.

The walk there is filled with nothing but uncomfortable silence. Tsukishima has his headphones on and his face is the same.

‘So that’s how he feels…’ You can’t help but replay his words over and over in your head, and you feel your heart break every time. The only thing keeping the dam together was the embarrassment you now you’d feel if it were to break right now. 

With your house only a few paces away, you quicken your steps. “See you tomorrow, Tsukishima.” You manage to say goodbye without stuttering and you don’t dare look back, for fear that he’ll notice the welling tears in your eyes.

‘…useless and burdening…’

‘…it’ll save me from all that nasty crying once we break up…’

 You run through the door. Too focused on not sobbing, you don’t notice how Tsukishima’s gaze followed you as you ran, nor the concerned look in his eyes.

Turns out, you may have lied to Tsukishima. You didn’t see him the next day, or the day after that, or the rest of the week for that matter. Well, technically, you did. But you avoided all interaction with him at all costs. 

What he said really stung, and while you know it’s not really his fault maybe his parents’ but that’s for another story and it’s not exactly fair to just start ignoring him altogether, it’s also not fair that you fell in love with possibly the world’s most emotionally unavailable man but you aren’t complaining are you? Okay, maybe you are, but that’s besides the point. You’re not ready to face him yet, and you won’t until you are.

The classes you had together were spent with you surrounded by many other people. During volleyball practice, you always arrived when they were deep into training, and you left early as well, with the excuse of having to take care of your brother. You stopped walking home with Tadashi and Tsukishima.

Even during their breaks, you’d be so engrossed in something, be it homework or strategy that they couldn’t even disturb you, which they found strange since you never really were the most diligent student (read: you’re a known lazy ass).

All of the members, save for one particular blonde, tried to talk to you, but you simply waved it off as stress from school. None of them believed you, you know, but they got the message and decided against bothering you for more information.

It’s Saturday and your solid plan of sleeping in is effectively ruined by your phone ringing.

“I swear, I turned off all my alarms, who the fuck calls at–” you glance at your clock, “–six o’clock on a Saturday morning.”

You groan and grab your phone. For a moment you consider throwing it against the wall and going back to sleep.

“Hello, you’ve reached the Devil, how may I help you?” You croak. “Oh, you want to go to hell? Why, stay on this line and you will soon!” You hiss out and look at the caller ID.

SnarKei (+81) 22 37632

Okay, you admit, you feel a certain satisfaction at snarking him. Just a little.

“Aw, did someone wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?” He replies in a mocking cutesy voice. “Did the inevitable happen? Have you already been rejected?”

That stings you, and you mumble to yourself. “Something of the sort.” You’re not sure if he hears you though, and you really don’t care. Nope. Not. At. All.

You are met with silence, so you assume that he didn’t hear you, or else he most likely would have poked more fun at your still-bleeding wound.

“What do you want, Tsukishima?”

“Of course you’d forget. You have the memory of a goldfish.” Tsukishima comments bluntly. “We have Saturday training today, goldfish.”

“This early in the morning? Why don’t I remember this being announced?” You yawn and get up from bed.

“Yes, this early, because a big match is near. And you’d remember if, aside from your goldfish memory, you’d actually stayed until the end of training to hear announcements.” You can practically feel Tsukishima looming over you with his scary deadpan.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Tell coach I apologise for being late. I’ll be there in–” You yawn once more. “30 minutes.”

“Make sure you shower well. I can smell your stink from here.” Tsukishima’s infamous smirk pops in your mind and you subconsciously sneer. 

“You’re just smelling yourself.” You retort and end the call. You feel your heart ache, and sigh. At least it’s been reduced to a dull ache now, however troublesome.

‘I’m sure I’ll get over this. Maybe in a week or two.’  You think to yourself as you enter the shower.

You believe you just lied to yourself.

You hear no sound from the gym, and the lights are off. 

You check your watch just to be sure.

7:30 am

‘Okay, what the hell?’ You peek through the windows, maybe they’re practicing with the lights off? That wouldn’t explain the lack of squeaking shoes and balls dropping, though.

“You’re late.”

You jump and turn around. You’re ready to grab the pepper spray in your right boot when you identify the would-be-predator as Tsukishima.

“You scared me.” You breathe out, putting a hand on your racing heart in an attempt to calm it down. It doesn’t stop racing though.

Tsukishima feigns hurt. “What, with my beautiful voice?”

You roll your eyes and fight a smile. “Why’d you tell me there was training?”

“Because otherwise you wouldn’t have come and I wouldn’t find out why you’re avoiding me.” He states it as if he were talking about the weather, rather cheerfully. But you sense the hostility behind that cheerfulness, as any person would.

“I don’t know–” You start talking, but you stop as Tsukihima walks slowly towards you. He stops when he’s only a step away, and you’re suddenly extremely aware of your closeness and his unjust height advantage.

“…what you’re talking about.” You continue in a smaller voice, feeling yourself overwhelmed by Tsukishima’s presence and size. 

He continues to loom over and look down on you.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” You tentatively look into his eyes, and immediately look away. His golden-brown eyes are intense, and you’re scared that if you look for a second more you won’t be able to look away.

“Because I don’t like liars.”

You snort instinctively. “That’s ironic. Part of your role is deceiving.”

He shrugs. “Deceiving and lying are two different things.”

“Lying is deceiving.” You point out. You don’t notice that you are able to meet his eyes as you challenge him.

“But deceiving is not always lying.” He smirks back, and the two of you get into a staring contest.

You stare into his eyes and you feel yourself getting lost. You look away first, afraid of what might happen or what you might say if you don’t. You fail to notice his faltering smirk.

“So, I assume you didn’t just bring me here for semantics?” You cross you arms over your chest. Your previously calmed heart starts racing again.

Tsukishima takes a small step closer, and you instinctually take one back. “I told you, goldfish, I want to find out why you’re avoiding me.” 

His gaze never leaves your face, and you’re painfully aware of it, so much so that you will your eyes to look at anything but his. You’re tempted to look back, but you know once you do, all your walls will fall.

‘This is so unfair.’ You think to yourself as you start over-analysing Tsukishima’s shoes.

“Why don’t you look me in the eye? Afraid of what you might say?” He taunts you. He’s testing waters, and by the looks of it, he know he’s hit the bullseye.

“N-no. I’m perfectly confident with my words, thank you.” You reply, swallowing the bile in your throat.

He scoffs. “Prove it. Look at me.”

You feel your ears tingle and you attempt to resist, but your pride doesn’t allow it. Reluctantly, you meet his eyes, and you immediately regret it.

They’re fierce and intense, his golden eyes, even more so than before. Your breath is taken away and you forget what you were about to say. 

“Let’s try this one more time,” Tsukishima takes another, larger step forward, and you take one back, or at least, attempt to. Your back hits the wall, and before you know it, you’re cornered. His places his right arm next to your head as he leans over you. You can almost feel his minty breath on your face.

Out of the corner of your eye, you notice that he doesn’t place his left arm on the other side.

‘He’s giving me a way out.’ You think, and you can’t help but internally smile. He doesn’t want to force you into anything you don’t want, but he’s putting pressure on you. You bit your inner cheek in an attempt to ground yourself.

“Why have you been avoiding me since we last walked home together?” His voice is softer this time, but his intensity doesn’t waver. An emotion flashes in his eyes, you’re not sure what it is. Uncertainty? Hurt?

You swallow the bile in your throat. You feel like you just ran a marathon and your face seems to think so too, if the rising heat in your cheeks is anything to go by.

“I–I…�� You fumble around for words, unsure of what to say. The golden irises staring into your soul surely isn’t making it any easier.

‘So much for my two working braincells..’ You say to yourself.

Your brain nearly overheats in attempting to make an excuse. Instead, it settles for giving your irrational courage to confess once and for all.

Knowing what you’re going to say, you are unable to look him in the eyes and deflate

“I was hurt…” You whisper softly, feeling the tears well in your eyes. “…by what you said.”

“Why?” He asks, quieter this time. 

You sigh defeatedly. There’s no point in delaying it now. You feel all the “healing” you went through in your time away dissipate into thin air. The once dull ache is now a stabbing pain in your chest, but you soldier on. 

“Because I like with you. And I idiotically thought that maybe you felt the same way. Yes, it’s dumb. You don’t have to reject me, I know what your answer is, you’ve made yourself perfectly clear about it and–” 

You’re interrupted by a pair of lips pressing against yours. It takes a second for it to register. Until it does.

You hear yourself internally screaming as Tsukishima slowly rises from his awkward position and straightens his back, forcing you to turn your head upwards and tip toe. 

Tsukishima realises this and smirks. He straightens up even more, just a touch too high for your lips.

You don’t even notice that your eyes are closed until you open them to see Tsukishima’s annoying smug face.

“I never grasped how small you are until now.” He teases, and you feel his cool breath brush against your skin.

You’re too flustered to make a retort, and you’re pretty sure your face is red. You take another moment to let the previous events sink in. 

‘Tsukishima…. Kissed… Me…’

He snorts. “Have your two braincells short-circuited?” He gazes down on you, and you see, behind his teasing, is genuine worry.

“You kissed me…” You blink multiple times, and a smile forms on your face as Tsukishima raises a brow. “…first.”

A giddy smile takes over your face, because of the fact that you just stated and the fact that Tsukishima is blushing right now. For once, you aren’t the one avoiding eye contact.

“You kissed me first.” You teased, tipping your toes even more to get a closer look at his blushing face.

“Only because you were putting words in my mouth and you wouldn’t stop.” He mumbles, giving you a sideways glance before looking away as he blushes even more,

You giggle. “Technically, I was putting your words into your mouth. Besides, what was all that ‘I don’t care for romance’ stuff you said?” You poke his warm cheek playfully.

“It’s called lying. And techinically, you confessed first.” It’s your turn to blush and Tsukishima’s to smugly smirk as he pokes your cheek back.

“So, what does this mean? And since when did you figure it out, given this whole set-up?” You mumble, fiddling with the edge of your white shirt with a red “shut up” written on it.

“It means I like you back, even if you have a goldfish brain, goldfish. And you weren’t exactly subtle with the way you got upset last time.” He pokes your cheek once more. His face is back to it’s regular nonchalant state, but you see a twinge of playfulness in his eyes.

You cross your arms over your chest and pout, sneering at him. “I don’t have a goldfish brain. How could I forget something that never existed?” 

“You can’t. Who said anything about training not existing?” He raises a brow.

“Didn’t you call me here to get me to confess?” You deadpan at the memory. “Coward.” You mumble under your breath.

Tsukishima smirks. “I did. But there is training, just not for the university.”

As if on cue, you hear a loud bickering noise.

You both turn to the source and find the old Karasuno team, complete with Hinata and Kageyama bickering.

You beam at the sight and turn to Tsukishima. You nearly tackle him into a hug, regardless of how he may feel about hugs.

He looks away with a light blush dusting his features once more. He uses his free hand to pat you on your head.

“Happy birthday, goldfish.”

fagdhefjks;laLKSJH i dont think i captured tsukki well here, and the part feels rushed. sorry for that idk where this went gg

[therainroguefanfiction]

☁ Drifting Away (Giotto) #02

📑 Table of Contents | ◂Previous

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☁  Primo ✗ Curiosity ✗ Confusion  ☁

“Boss – !” One of his men called, rushing into the office to make sure his precious boss had been left unharmed. “Should we go after them?”

The blonde shook his head, standing up from the leather chair. “No. I’ll handle it myself.”

“But – “

Before the man could protest, the blonde swept out of the office with the intent of looking for you. His cloak billowed behind him as he exited the building. The fact that you knew who he was, knew about the Vongola Famiglia… weren’t you just a teenager who had gotten lost? Why did your eyes widen in disbelief when you realized who he was? And why did you feel the need to run? Giotto surely had no intention of hurting you.

He wanted to know who you were and exactly what you knew. He had to find you.

Italy was a large place, but he doubted you could get too far on foot. Giotto didn’t know what it was, but his instinct was telling him that he had to find you. He was sure his men wouldn’t be too gentle if they were to search for you, as they proved in his office, and there was no point in involving his guardians when he could handle something so small by himself.

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You gasped for breath, leaning on a nearby stone wall for support; you were never very good with running. You were far too lazy for it despite being someone who had been trained so harshly under Reborn. If he could see you now, he’d probably shake his head, kick you in the rear and walk off.

‘What the hell is happening? It could have been Lambo’s 10-Year Bazooka, he’s always messing around with that thing, but…’ Doubt washed over you. The Bovino Family’s 10-Year-Bazooka switches whoever is hit with their self ten years in the future but you were clearly in the past. “Damn Lambo. Damn Giannini.” you huffed, glaring at the ground, “I’ll kill both of ’em.”

You had no proof that Giannini had upgraded the Bazooka and, in turn, screwed it up again – who could forget what happened to Gokudera?. And sure, you had no proof that Lambo had actually hit you with the thing, effectively sending you back in time – you didn’t remember being hit with it but it may have happened while you were asleep, but… what other explanation was there?

When Shouichi Irie brought Tsuna and the others to the future, the Bazooka was originally used to get them there. ‘Course, he used that damned machine of his after that, but the Bazooka was the original object used to get them there. Had someone gotten ahold of the device? No, that simply wasn’t possible. The Shouichi of your era was still just a kid and the future incident had been solved long ago, thanks to Yuni and Tsuna. She had given her life to make sure nothing like that ever happened again.

You were all alone.

No Tsuna. No Reborn. No Gokudera. No Yamamoto. No one.

Something suddenly dawned on you. The unfamiliar sights, the language you couldn’t understand… Giotto was Italian and his family lived in Italy… If he was here, then that meant…

“I’m in Italy!?” you exclaimed, bashing your head against the brick wall you had previously been leaning on. You fell backward onto the stone-cold pavement with a groan, your hand flying to your aching head. You closed your eyes to try and reduce the pain, “At least I know this isn’t a dream…”

Dreams didn’t physically hurt, right?

“It’s finally happened!” you exclaimed to the darkening sky. The sun had already halfway set, turning the sky a soft orange with strokes of purple. “Being around all these Italian Mafioso every day has finally destroyed what little sanity I had left! I’ve gone nuts!”

A chuckle reached your ears. “I believe it, the way you’re talkin’ to yourself!” you blinked up at the man that now stood over you, his feet at your head. “You alright, kid?” he held his hand out for you to take, and you hesitated before allowing him to pull you back up onto your feet. Whether it was the headache or the sudden rush of being pulled to your feet that made you stagger, you couldn’t be sure. It was probably a mix of both.

The man standing before you oddly resembled Iemitsu Sawada, Tsuna’s dad, with his blonde hair and friendly smile, welcoming attitude, and strong build, but.. wasn’t the Primo Tsuna’s great great great grandfather? The only difference was that this man didn’t have a beard and his eyes were a deep forest green with specks of brown. They also held a childish glint.

He held his hand out, a large smile on his face. “Italo Sawako.”

Well, the name was sort of the same. A distance cousin of Giotto’s, maybe?

“Er…” your hand was engulfed by his large, calloused hand. “Y/N. My name is Y/N.”

“Well, Y/N, do you have a place to stay?”

“Not… really…”

“You can stay with me, then!” he grinned, grabbing your wrist and tugging you along. “By the way, how old are you, kid?”

“Eighteen,” you responded after muttering a ‘not really born yet’ under your breath.

“What’s an eighteen-year-old doing out here, alone, at night, with no place to stay?” he wondered.

You stared at the man’s suit covered back as your mind began to drift off. This was all just too weird, nothing made any sense to you. You had seen a lot of crazy-ass shit since you had met Reborn, but this definitely takes the cake. This was just downright ridiculous!

Italo glanced over his shoulder as you finally entered a large building where you assumed is where he lived. You were so out of it that you didn’t realize where the man had taken you until it was too late.

“There they are!”

“Ahh, shit,” you muttered, seeing the familiar black-clad men from earlier.

That’s when it finally clicked in your head. This man was obviously a member of the Vongola, especially if he somehow had ties to Iemitsu or Giotto. Damn it, your perfected ‘not-paying-attention-to-your-surroundings’ skill has screwed you over once again.

And so, you found yourself back in the Primo’s office, sitting on the leather couch situated in front of his desk. Italo was standing by the arm of the couch, on your left. His men were positioned outside the door, just in case you tried to run again.

“Tell me who you are.” It was a demand that left Giotto’s lips, but his tone was so soft and kind it almost didn’t sound like one.

“Errr…” What were you supposed to say? “I’m… affiliated with the Mafia.” Oh, that could work.

“Which family?”

“Vongola,” ‘Shit!’ you bit your lip, slamming your head against a mental wall. It had been an automatic response due to your pride and love of the family. It came out before you could stop it.

His eyes shifted to your bottom lip, which you were currently chewing on, before returning to your eyes. You refused to meet his piercing gaze.

“Really? I’ve never seen you around before, kid!” Italo grinned, looking down at you and setting his large hand on your shoulder, “You’re not Italian, either.”

“No. I’m half American, half Japanese,” you muttered under your breath, staring off to the side where a bookcase sat, taking up a little more than half of the wall.

Despite how low your voice had been, the Primo still managed to catch the words you uttered. “Italo,” he called, gaining the attention of the other blonde. His eyes never left your form as he spoke, “Can you excuse us?”

“Ah, sure thing, boss!” Italo grinned wider, patting your shoulder before leaving the room. Silence followed his departure and you found yourself reading the spines of the books to take your mind off of the crazy situation. You also made a mental note to kill Reborn if you ever managed to make it back home. You squirmed uncomfortably under his piercing gaze. It was like he could see right through you, like he was reading a book.

You honestly hated that look. It felt as if he could even read your thoughts and that annoyed you to no end. Giotto took in every breath you took and every move that you made – he was searching for something. If he did manage to figure out what was going through your head, you had no clue what fate would await you.

‘I am truly screwed,’

“You seem anxious,” he observed, “You said you were affiliated with the Mafia. In what way?”

You went to respond, prepared to use your ‘quick-lie’ talent, but he cut you off, his expression softening.

“You do not have to lie to me. It’s okay to tell me the truth.”

That tone… he acted as if he was talking to a mere child which, to him, you kind of were, but that’s beside the point. You scowled, biting your tongue to keep in the smart remark that wanted to run free, “You won’t believe me.”

“We will not know that until you tell me.”

You bit down on your lip once more, hard enough to draw blood. Your eyes stared down at the Vongola ring on your finger. Something that looked like recognition flashed through his eyes but disappeared seconds later, as if it was never there to begin with. How could you explain this without sounding like a total nut job? Your fists clenched tightly around your jeans, “I… I’m not… from this era.”

“Oh?” he leaned back in his chair, hands folded and one leg crossed over the other, “Explain.”

“I’m… from the future…” Why not try the truth? Who knows, maybe it will work out.

“The future?” His monotone voice never changed, making it harder for you to understand what the man was feeling or thinking.

“Yeah. I woke up and found myself in this era,” you stood up, walking over to the bookcase and running your hand across the spines. You could feel his eyes boring into your back and it made you uncomfortable. “I don’t know how or why I got sent to the past but I do know I’m going to kill that damned cow when I get back.” Your hand clenched into a fist and you huffed in announce.

Then realization hit you. Hard.

You had been there for well over five minutes. You weren’t returning to your era. Would you ever be able to get back? Your heart clenched at the thought of never seeing Reborn or Tsuna again.

Two hands landed on your shoulders, a wave of calm shooting through your body from the contact. “You’re very stressed out. I’ll put you up in a room for the night, and we can finish this discussion tomorrow after you’ve gotten some rest.”

“Sure…” you muttered, realizing just how tired both your mind and body were. Who knew being sent to the past would be so tiring? You couldn’t stop the questions that swirled around in your brain, though.

Would you ever get back to your own time period? Would you ever see Reborn and Tsuna again? Or would you be stuck in the past forever? What would become of you? Did Tsuna and the others even realize you were gone?

“Relax,” he whispered in your ear, his breath fanning over your neck. His hands slid down your arms, encircling your waist as darkness took over your mind. The feeling of being picked up was the last thing you registered before your mind completely shut down.

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📜 Read more by checking out my masterlist 📜

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Perfectly Confused Angel- Part 14

A/N: Welcome to Y/N and Castiel’s wedding! I’ve spent the last several days working on this chapter because I firmly believe these two deserve a beautiful celebration of their love! I LOVE this picture of Misha and I think this would be how Cas looks on his wedding day! Photos and music will be linked throughout the chapter for special effects so please use them and please send in feedback; I appreciate it!

Word Count: 5,000+

Warnings: SO MUCH FLUFF!! Mentions of pre and post wedding sex, mentions of a boner, slight mention of nervousness and anxiety

Previous chapter| Masterlist

Castiel’s POV

It had been several months since y/n and I began planning our wedding. For years, I saw how humans put on weddings. In most cases, they were big, with lots of people and they were beautiful, with elegance and class and very extraordinary, all the way down to the smallest detail. But when it came to me, I never thought about the celebration, let alone marry a human. Our prophecy states that an angel can fall in love with another angel but nothing about falling in love with a human. Maybe because it was unheard of, but what did that matter? I met someone, who had been there for me through everything, the good and the bad, and she loves me anyway, and I decided to marry her. Heaven takes that kind of thing very seriously; I take it very seriously. It just happens that my bride is a human, is that so bad? I didn’t think so and she didn’t think so and that is all the convincing we needed. I remember the first time I met y/n’s parents; I don’t think they liked me. Her father yelled at me for being an “older man messing around with my little girl” and then y/n explained that even though I looked older than she was, I would forever look like this and one day, she would look older than me. That blew their minds and I remember thinking how most humans lacked an imagination. And after a lot of talking, heated discussion, and crying, her parents finally came around to accepting the fact that their ‘little girl’ fell in love with an angel. It was very untraditional and that worried me, but y/n reminded me that our entire relationship was unconventional and that was why we loved each other. She was very against a traditional wedding; no church for the ceremony. No, she didn’t want a wedding anything as anyone had experienced before. And that’s what she got.

It was early in the morning, on April 23rd, I had ‘woken’ up, to see y/n was laying next to me still asleep. I watched her like I always did, but I was seeing her in a different light. She was going to be my wife in a few short hours and everything will be different. I am no longer just myself; I will fully be committed to someone else. That’s something a lot of people take advantage of these days but to me and y/n, it will be cherished for as long as we live. She begins to stir then, and I couldn’t turn away. I know how tradition goes, the bride and groom are not allowed to see each other before the ceremony but we already broke that rule by sleeping in the same bed as one another, so I figured, this was just another tradition y/n didn’t want to follow.

“Good morning, Honeybee. Happy wedding day,” I say as her eyes flutter open and she looks up at me, a smile making its way on her face.

“Happy wedding day,” she says. “You know we aren’t supposed to see each other before the ceremony, right? Well, I guess she does care?

“Well, yes, but I thought you didn’t want a traditional ceremony?” I ask.

“Not all traditions are silly. I happen to like this one for the fact that I can surprise you in my wedding dress and not looking like I just stumbled out of bed,” she says, as an insult on how she looks first thing in the morning.

“The surprise I understand but I think you look beautiful first thing in the morning,” I say, leaning over to kiss her shoulder.

“You’re just saying that because you’re about to marry me,” She says.

“No, I’m marrying you because I say things like that. And because I love you wholeheartedly and I want everyone to be apart of us becoming one,” I say, a blush forming on y/n’s cheeks.

“Then, let’s go get married!” Y/N says, quickly pecking my lips before jumping up to grab her phone. I remain lying in bed, watching as she started her ‘usual routine.’ The smile that begins to play, kicking her into full gear to prepare for the biggest day of both of our lives.

“It’s a beautiful night, we’re looking for something fun to do, hey baby, I think I wanna marry you.”

“Of course, this would be the song you play on your wedding day,” I joke to her.

“Hey, I’ve waited ten years to be able to play this song and to be getting ready for my own big day. This is a BIG deal for me, okay?” She defends herself.

“I know it is but you do know it’s on our playlist for the reception, right?”

“It doesn’t matter, Cas! I’m going to playing this song on repeat, all day.” I smile at my fiancé as she dances around in her underwear while she brushes her teeth and washes her face. I couldn’t wait to wake up this way every day.

We both begin to get ready, not really caring about the other seeing the other, because we haven’t begun the wedding stuff yet. But I couldn’t help but think that we were missing something rather important.

“Hey, babe?” I call to her, to get her away from looking at her dress in its bag in our closet.

“Yeah?” She calls back but stays where she is.

“Don’t you think we should have some breakfast first?” I call to her and I hear her gasp before she comes out of the closet.

“How can we eat when we’ll be stuffing our faces at our dinner tonight? And our cake!”

“I know Honeybee, but that’s not for several more hours.”

“Well, what time is it now?” She asks.

“6:30,” I say looking at my phone before noticing the stunned look on y/n’s face.

“Damn, we got up early!” She exclaims and we both laugh.

“Would that be because you’re excited for today?” I tease her, knowing she most definitely was.

“No, not at all. It’s not like I’ve been waiting since the day we first met when you came down here from heaven, to watch over my best friends or anything. Nope, no excitement here,” Her sarcasm is very strong; she watches too much Friends. I laugh and go to kiss my soon-to-be-wife. Funny that I can’t stop saying that I’m going to be marrying y/n. But I’d like to enjoy a few more moments with her as my fiancé. We’ll never be engaged again so why not make it last just a bit longer?

I grab the phone from the nightstand on my side of the bed and dial the restaurant downstairs. I order a lot of food, making sure to order plenty of coffee considering we both will be up for a long time today. Of course, we order a lot of food, but we don’t care. We have a long day ahead of us before we’ll get to dinner. Y/N had come back to bed, crawling right back under the covers and snuggling up to me, a lazy smile forming on her lips.

“What are you doing, silly girl?” I ask her, looking down at her, pushing some hair that had fallen in her face.

“I just want to stay in bed with you, as your fiancé, for long as possible. I want to cherish the feeling of being your fiancé forever,” she says, looking at me with big doe-like eyes.

“That is an important thing, but I can’t wait to enjoy the feeling of having you as my wife,” I say as I snuggle in next to her, wrapping her in my arms and turning the tv on. As she flips through the channels, finding something to watch, a knock on the door pulls me away, and a disgruntled groan falls from y/n.

“My warmth!” She cries as I answer the door. A man in a tuxedo enters the room with a cart full of silver-topped dome lids. He takes each dome off one at a time and I can hear y/n running in to see what I ordered. Waffles with strawberries and whipped cream, eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns; all her favorites. And two pitchers of coffee with tons of cream and sugar, just the way she likes.

“See, this is why I’m marrying you, Cas. You always know how to feed me,” she says in all sincerity but I decided to poke fun at her.

“Oh great, so I’m only good for food. Okay then,”

“Okay you know that is not true at all. You’re also good for doing laundry,” she adds, going a bit too far with her jokes.

“That’s it, you’re going to get it,” I say to her before I tell the waiter that he can’t bring us anything else. As he’s leaving, I turn to y/n, pick her up over my shoulder, her squealing in the process, and tossing her on the bed. Just when she thinks that was all I was going to do as ‘her punishment,’ I ferociously begin tickling her.

“Cas!” Y/N screams as my fingers work their way all around her. I smile, loving seeing her so happy but also so helpless under my prodding fingers. She had no way of escape but I soon let her go after she apologized.

“Alright, so now that I’ve laughed so hard my sides hurt, can I please eat?” She asks, poking her bottom lip out like that of a child.

“Save the puppy dog looks to Sam. You got nothing on him. And yes, let’s eat,” I say, earning a ‘bitch face’ and no sharing from y/n. Guess I had that one coming. Two movies and a shit ton of missing food later, it comes time to get ready for the ceremony.

“Do we have to? Can’t we get married right here? I mean, it’ll be pretty tight but it could work. Any everyone can just stay in their pajamas,” she says, trying out that puppy dog look again and still failing.

“Unfortunately, Honeybee, we cannot have a wedding here. Believe me, I’ve already looked into it. Plus, you have that beautiful dress you’ve been dying to wear and you’ve been eyeballing it all morning. It’ll look better in the lighting from the venue I’m sure,” I make up some excuse for her to get ready.

“I’ll see you in a few hours okay? You’ll be just fine. Your Mom will be coming to get you and all your bridesmaids soon, too. You go have fun and I’ll be waiting for you,” I say, giving her one last kiss for the next several hours. Granted, it was only 10 am, but it was a good half-hour to our venue and then we still have to get dressed and people still have to start showing up. And there was some talk about a few ‘last-minute’ gifts from the mother of the bride and her bridal party.

“Okay, I’ll be the one in the white dress,” she jokes and grins, proud of her funny self.

“I sure hope so. And I’ll be one of the many guys in a tux,” I joke back and kiss her again. I grab my suit out of the closest in its bag and grab my phone and other necessities for the ceremony. Y/N had already turned up the music louder and was back to dancing and shaking her ass, knowing I was still in the room. Man, what I’m going to do to that ass later on. I shake the thought and head down to the lobby. When the doors opened, Sam, Dean, and Jack were sitting around in the lobby.

“Well, it’s about time you came down here!” Dean exclaims, throwing his phone down on the chair, before standing to hug me; Sam and Jack doing the same.

“Sorry guys, y/n and I got a bit…distracted,” I explain but it came out very wrong.

“Ah, pre-wedding sex. Nice work buddy,” Dean said, clapping a hand on my shoulder.

“Not that it is any business of yours, but that wasn’t what I meant. I ordered a nice, big breakfast for the two of us and we were watching movies.”

“So, no pre-wedding sex?” Dean asked, for final clarity.

“No Dean, no sex right now. Tonight, yes, but again, that isn’t any concern of yours so let’s not talk about it again, shall we?” I say, trying to hide the red tint on my cheeks. The thought of sex with y/n as husband and wife was very exciting for me. In fact, it started getting a bit too excited so I quickly had to shake the thoughts out of my head but that was a difficult task. The Impala was brought to us from a young man, who seemed rather impressed with the classic car we took all our adventures in.

“Thanks, kid,” Dean said as he was handed the keys and we all climbed in, driving off to the ceremony location. Following the non-traditional theme y/n wanted, our ceremony was going to be held in a place where too many weddings didn’t happen. For some reason, she decided to set up an arch, laced with red roses, on the coast of New York City, with the view of the Brooklyn Bridge behind us. The chairs were white and tied together by a ribbon with bouquets of red roses at the ends. The aisle was white lace, stretching over the grass beautifully, and separating the bride’s family from the grooms. But, considering my family was angels, I wasn’t expecting too many people on my side. There was a table set up off the side where guests could write little messages to me and y/n. That was one thing she was insistent on having; a jar of messages for when we have our first fight. I had laughed, knowing we don’t get in too many disagreements but she was stubborn and said that once we’re married, we won’t always see eye-to-eye. I shook my head as she set the jar up, and trusted her ideas.

“Wow Cas, this looks beautiful,” Sam commented, taking in the sight before him.

“As much as I would like to take credit for this, it was all y/n’s ideas. She was very hands-on with all the planning,” I say, thinking back to when we began planning.

“So, what did you do then?” Dean asked, poking fun at me.

“I approved or denied things,” I said honestly.

“And she didn’t kill you?” Dean asks, now chuckling.

I laugh a bit too; y/n could get pretty bossy. But she wasn’t when it came to wedding planning.

“No, she was actually very laid back and she valued my opinions, even used some of them, too. We agreed on everything that you see here, as well as the reception and where to go on our honeymoon,” I comment.

“Oh yeah, I’m going to want to hear about that!” Dean said, wiggling his eyebrows and getting an eye roll from Sam and me.

“Come on, Dean, let’s go see what we can help with. Cas needs to get ready,” Sam said, dragging his older brother away.

“Party pooper, Sammy!” He moaned but his mood changed as soon as he saw a pretty blonde.

I shake my head and begin to head inside the room we rented out in a small, no-longer operating, brewery when Jack caught up to me.

“Hey, Cas,” He says, falling in step with me.

“Yes, Jack?”

“I was wondering about this wedding thing, what’s it for?” He asked, mimicking my eye-squint and slight head tilt I would do whenever something confused me. He was pretty good.

“Well, it’s a ceremony that all angels believe in and God himself, wants for human beings. It’s a way for a couple to make their love known to all they come in contact with. That also signifies the rings. We place them on each other’s hands as a way to show others that we belong to someone else,” I explain what a wedding and marriage meant to me.

“You belong to someone?” Jack quips, adding more questions to his wondering.

“Oh, that’s just a saying. No one has or should have possession over another person, or angel in our case, but they are tied to the other, in spirit and physically. That’s what the honeymoon is. Making their love physical and finalizing their commitment to each other. It’s very beautiful, really. And both y/n and I take weddings and marriages seriously, while a lot of humans don’t anymore. One of the many reasons I’m marrying her.” I say, smiling at the fact.

“That sounds wonderful, Castiel! I hope to find someone like y/n and marry her; you’re very lucky,” Jack says, a look of hope on his young features.

“I am Jack, very lucky. I don’t deserve someone like her but you bet I am going to cherish being her husband for the rest of my days,” I finish my speech on why marriage is important as I get dressed in my suit. When I’ve fully dressed myself, I look in the long mirror that stood in the corner and fixed my tie. I began feeling more human than I ever had since I landed on earth, my heart racing as I thought of the events that were going to conspire in a few short hours. It didn’t take me too long to dress, but I knew y/n was nowhere near ready. From my understanding of human women, they take a long time to get ready for any kind of outing, but weddings, I’ve been told, take a longer time for preparation and most likely, y/n has cried a few times. Her “team” of bridesmaids have been helping her get ready, dress, shoes, hair, and makeup. I imagine her nails are done with a design special for the day, and her toenails probably match, too. She takes events very seriously, making sure her nails matched. I can just imagine how beautiful she will look when she walks down the aisle to me.

“Cas?” Dean asks, knocking on the door and entering the room. “Dude, you look sharp. Ready to start the rest of your life?” He asks, throwing his arm around my shoulders.

“You have no idea. Is she ready now?” I ask, knowing it was nearing 5 pm.

“Yup, she’s finally stopped crying, her makeup is perfect; she’s ready,” Dean says, a small smile forming on her lips.

“Have you seen her? H-how does she look?” I ask, running my hand down my arm as nerves began to rack my body.

“She looks absolutely beautiful, Cas. You’re one lucky son of a bitch, if I do say so myself,” Dean grins, clapping his hand on my shoulder.

I smile to myself and feel my nerves getting stronger as the minutes pass by. She looks beautiful like I knew she would, but I can’t imagine just how beautiful she looks today. I wasn’t nervous because I was marrying y/n, I was nervous because I wasn’t sure I would be a good husband. I knew nothing about it, being an angel and all doesn’t really teach you anything about it, but from what I’ve seen for centuries from other human relationships, I think I have a good understanding. I follow Dean outside to where the groomsmen would line up, as we all waited for the big moment. Guests were starting to file in and I noticed everyone stopped by our table to leave us messages. That itself made me nervous too; would we really fight that much? These thoughts are running through my head but then the moment had arrived; y/n was coming.

Music began to play and everyone stood up, turning to the back to watch as the bridesmaids and groomsmen walked up the aisle. Y/N had chosen a rather untraditional song to walk down to me but it kept with the theme. It an orchestra version of a song called Love Story by one of her favorite artists. She had played both versions of the song for me as were planning and I liked it too. I had said it was the perfect song for us to start our lives together. Just then, there was a long pause between bridesmaids and I knew it meant y/n was on her way out. When she reached the aisle, my heart dropped into my stomach. Dean didn’t do her justice when he told me how she looked; she was stunning. Her dress was breathtakingly beautiful. Covering her chest and down to her stomach, was nothing but silver rhinestones. Then from the bottom, the dress spread out in front of her and the rhinestones fell in perfect line with the rest of the dress. There was glitter spread throughout the dress and the train that followed her was just as detailed as the rest of the dress. Her y/h/c was wrapped on top of her head, tied together with a braid and a small tiara sat on her head with a veil softly covering her face. I could see her smiling wide, to all the people who had come to see her and I knew she was loving her moment. Her Dad had escorted her up to me and I had begun to cry when I saw just how stunning she looked. I couldn’t believe she was mine forever.

“Hi,” I said to her when she stood just opposite me.

“Hi,” she answered, chuckling through her own tears.

“You look incredible, y/n,” I say, taking both her hands in mine.

“And you look very handsome, Cas,” she said, tears slowly falling from her eyes. As if on instinct, I went to wipe the tears away but she stopped me because I wasn’t supposed to lift her veil until after the vows. I remember her telling me that so I knew why she stopped me, without her telling me why.

The preacher had begun the ceremony with a traditional introduction but that was all for the traditional aspects of the evening.

“Y/N and Castiel have written their own vows and chose to read them aloud today,” y/n was handed the microphone first and spoke her words from a few notecards she had written earlier. They were beautiful and I took note that not one person was left with dry eyes. Then, she handed the microphone to me; not needing any guidance with my vows.

“Y/N, when we first met, I didn’t know a lot about love or what it meant to love someone so deeply, but when I came here to look after the Winchesters, I wasn’t expecting to see you or to have really anything to do with anyone besides Sam and Dean but then, you had come in the room, and instantly took a liking to me. There were a lot of things I’ve had to learn and you were the only one who was patient with me, the only one who stayed by my side when I had gone to the hospital and ended up having to stay for two weeks. You know how to take care of me when I’m injured, you know how to make me laugh when I’m upset, you know how to comfort me when I’ve needed it. There isn’t any other person I even like being around more than you; my favorite little person. I promise to always be there for you when life gets to be too much for you and I promise to always find ways to show you just how much I love you. I can’t imagine any life without you and I know now, I will never have to. I love you so much, Honeybee, and I cannot wait to start the rest of our lives together,” I finish my speech and after a few closing remarks from the preacher, the words I’ve been waiting to hear where spoken.

“I now pronounce you, husband and wife. Castiel, you may kiss your bride,” the preacher said. I took the veil and folded it behind y/n’s head and brought her close to me by her waist, and capturing her lips with mine; the first of many as a married couple. Cheers and applause had erupted around us but all I could focus on was y/n. If there wasn’t a reception to go to, I would’ve stayed here and kissed her for the rest of eternity but I knew I had to let her go. We smiled at one another, then to everyone around us, before locking hands and walking back up the aisle with everyone blowing bubbles. There were also a few machines that had released bubbles into the air to add more than enough for a bubbly theme. A princess style carriage was waiting to take us to our reception; another touch added by y/n. We climb inside and say hello to our driver, waving to our friends and family as we took off. I scoot closer to y/n and whisper in her ear: “Now I do love this dress but I can’t wait to take it off you later on.” Her eyes had widened, not used to hearing me talk so low and almost “dirty” as some people would call it, but I really didn’t care what others said. Y/N’s reaction was perfect, especially when my teeth had gently grazed her earlobe. She looked in my eyes, seeing they had darkened a few shades of blue but I turned to look away quickly. I had to leave her with a bit of wonderment as we had arrived at the venue.

Inside, there were Disney inspired decorations for the wedding. There are still things that make y/n a child at heart and I hoped she would never lose that. She was adorable when she watched Disney movies and I knew she wanted a Disney theme for the reception. Everything from the centerpieces to the utensils to the food we served and the cake, Disney was evident in everything. Most of the songs we played were Disney theme or popular classic rock and pop songs y/n had grown up with. We danced the night away, ate plenty of food and cake, had our first slow dance, and y/n danced with her Father. We took plenty of photos and videos were taken for us to look at later. A table was set up for gifts and another one for more message’s guests could leave for us. This time, they were advice about having a marriage and children or recipes for us to use later on. The night had gone without a hitch and I was finally able to call y/n my wife. As the night came to a close, I drew more anxious for the big night that was waiting for us behind closed doors. I could barely wait to take that dress off y/n and to physically seal our marriage but it felt as though the ending dragged on. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, it was time for us to go back to our room.

“Ready to go?” I ask y/n, who’s eyes had turned a bit darker themselves.

“Absolutely, husband,” she said husband in a lower tone, only for me to hear.

“Then let’s go, wife,” I say and pick her up, arms under her legs as I carried her all the way up to our room.

Another tradition y/n insisted on, was for me to carry her over the threshold of our room. I held onto her until I set her on the ground. Candles were lined everywhere, roses petals littered the bed, and music was softly playing. This hotel was really going all out for y/n and I and I couldn’t wait to take advantage of all it had to offer.

“Hey babe, can you help me with this zipper?” Y/N asked, turning her back to me so I could undo her dress.

I bring my hand up to reach the zipper right in the middle of her back and pulled it down slowly to show the lace panties she bought specially for tonight. The dress fell off her in one quick motion and she took the rest of her undergarments off. Turning to face me, her eyes stayed right on mine, and she almost looked angelic, much like some of my family members. I was surprised as many of my sisters and brothers showed up at the wedding but all left immediately after the ceremony. Y/N had gone to lay on the bed, moving the blankets and sheets out of the way and I stood, just watching her move. It was different seeing her naked before me as my wife than when we first slept together as just a couple. I was going to see her in this light all the time and it made the night, that much better. I walked over to her, hovering over her, and kissed her, my hands already going to work on her, hands running over her body and down to the places she was needing me the most. I got her completely ready before I had unclothed myself and joined her in bed. This time, was so much better than any other time and I loved it. The way our bodies moved with each other, fully becoming one, I cherished the moment but was pleased that I could do this for the rest of our lives. I get to love her every single day, both physically and mentally, and emotionally too. We were finally the same, destined to one another until our final breaths. As we both came down from our highs, we laid next to one another catching our breaths, before I looked over at her.

“I love you, wife,” I say, grinning like a madman.

“I love you, husband,” she says back and kisses me once more. I could get used to these new titles.

Tag List: @fandom-princess-forevermore​ @tloveswriting​ @forever-trapped-in-my-dreams​ @juju-la-tortue​ @thinkinghardhardlythinking​ @angeredcrow​ @to-my-beloved-fandoms-2​ @markofdean79​ @lilulo-12​ @grace15ella​ @simpleb00x​

[softlunars]

together.

part II to 60 things. — alone.

requested: [yes!] and then i went off the rails!!

(a/n): i am eternally sorry for constantly being on mobile which means like,,,, no links HHHHHH i got no excuses other than i’m too lazy to use html to get the purple text,,,, i’ll start posting w my laptop one day

you don’t really know what you expected – for jisung to instantly realize you heard him; for him to spam your phone with texts or calls or something. but two weeks have come and gone, and jisung hasn’t contacted you at all.

after you ran home and buried yourself in your bed, you thought the pain would subside. that you’d be able to start functioning again quickly. that you’d be fine within a couple days.

sadly, that wasn’t the case.

you found yourself staying in bed most days; the farthest you walked was to the kitchen. even that stopped, soon enough. your appetite decreased day by day, until you barely ate anything more than an apple once a day.

the tears that seemed to decorate your face everyday slowly died down, too. the only emotion you felt – well, you didn’t feel anything. if anything, you were comparable to a shell – empty, existing with no real purpose.

you looked at the calendar on your phone, trying to get a grasp on the time that’s passed. saturday. a dry laugh left your lips at that.

saturdays were almost ritualistic for you and jisung. he’d pick you up from your apartment, a single flower in hand, before grabbing your hand and dragging you out the door to some unknown place. usually, it was a small cafe, a bookshop, anything that offered a quiet, serene atmosphere. those were the days you looked forward to the most.

spontaneously, you pushed yourself up, slinging your feet off the bed. you paused for a second before standing up.

maybe jisung wouldn’t be at your side today, but you decided to carry on the tradition you grew to anticipate with excitement.

was it unhealthy? maybe so, but you needed to get out of the house one day. why not do it on a day you usually stayed out until nightfall?

you found the time you spend getting ready passing by in a blur. your body seemed to move on its own – brushing your hair, grabbing at clothes that lay untouched in your closet, picking a pair of worn shoes. before you could really understand it, you had walked out of your apartment.

the sun shone brightly down on you as a soft breeze blew past your face. spring was still in full effect, you noted. the hydrangea bushes near your complex had fully blossomed, the grass was almost a neon green, and small wildflowers freckled the ground. it was beautiful. just like it always was.

the scene brought a smile to your face as you made your way to the sidewalk, which still sported the beautiful petals you loved. you took in the environment surrounding you, basking in the beauty that spring always brought.

you soon found yourself at a small cafe a few blocks down the road. the strong smell of coffee and freshly baked pastries invaded your senses. you let yourself get overwhelmed by the scents before stepping inside.

a bell sounded as the door opened, leading some people to glance at you. you avoided their gazes, walking toward the counter.

you asked for your usual order – a caramel iced coffee with a muffin – before taking a seat at a vacant table.

you didn’t really pay attention to your surroundings as you waited to hear your name be called. therefore, it came as more than a little shock when you heard the chair facing you scrape against the wooden floor.

startled, your head shot up to look at the person in front of you. regret immediately ensnared your mind.

jisung sat in front of you, his elbows resting on the table. he had a soft grin on his face, and his eyes looked as if they sparkled. the sun that entered the cafe through a large window nearby hit jisung perfectly. his skin glowed and the chestnut brown of his hair shined, making your heart thump as you looked at him.

he broke the silence first. “hey.”

your throat started to close in on itself, almost as if it were warning you not to utter a word. your hands found their way together, fingers nervously fiddling with one another. “hi.”

jisung immediately questioned you as soon as a greeting left your lips. “why have you been avoiding me?”

you must have looked shocked, since jisung started to elaborate on his question. “you haven’t texted, or called, or visited me at practice, or – or anything. did something happen? did i do something?”

at that, you scoffed. your eyes dropped down to your conjoined hands as you answered him. “yes, jisung. you did do something.” you let out an annoyed laugh before continuing.

“i heard you talk about me two weeks ago, when you were resting or whatever during practice. you said a lot of hurtful shit, jisung. that’s why i’ve been avoiding you. i didn’t want to annoy you further.”

jisung let out a sigh once you finished talking. his head dropped briefly to the palms of his hands, rubbing his eyes slightly before he looked back up.

“(y/n), i am so, so sorry for what i said that day. i – i don’t have any excuses, and i know what i said was outright shitty.” jisung took a deep breath before continuing.

“i don’t expect you to forgive me for what i said, and i definitely don’t expect you to forgive me for not trying to talk to you myself. but,” another breath, “i love you. yeah, there’s days where i do get frustrated at you, but that doesn’t lessen my love for you one bit.”

“i love your wittiness, and how you make me laugh, even after a long day. i love how caring you are, and how you still worry over me, even when you’ve had a bad day. i love how i can tell you love me through everything you do for me. most of all, i love you. and i’m so sorry i hurt you.”

as jisung finished his spiel, tears started to fall down your cheeks. you quickly attempted to wipe them away so jisung’s mind wouldn’t begin to spiral. said boy beat you to it, reaching over to delicately wipe at your cheeks. his lips curled into a sad smile as he let his hand linger on your face. how much he regrets saying such vicious things – to someone he loves to the ends of the earth.

“i—“ you hiccuped before continuing. “—i forgive you.” jisung’s eyes widened with shock, but you could see the sparkle returning to them.

“thank you baby, i love you so—“

you cut him off, furrowing your eyebrows and playfully glaring at him.

“you’re buying me food for three months.”

“oh, come on, angel!”

[cakesandfail]

So, as promised, some thoughts on Vetinari, disability, and chronic pain. This got long, I’m afraid.

(A quick disclaimer: I’m an overworked, underweight goth with a collection of chronic illnesses, so I may be projecting a lot a bit. I’d apologise for that, but it’d be a lie.)

In Men at Arms, Vetinari is shot in the leg, and in subsequent books he walks with a cane. Due to some instances where he doesn't- such as parts of Jingo and Raising Steam- there's a tendency in fandom to say that well, maybe he made a full recovery, and the cane is just there so that people underestimate him.

But... that's not really how this kind of thing works.

Vetinari was shot with a weapon few people were familiar with, in a city with nothing even remotely approaching modern medicine (which was confirmed in Feet of Clay when he got poisoned and Vimes got the horse vet to treat him instead of a doctor). The likelihood of making a complete recovery from that kind of traumatic injury in those circumstances is, let's be honest, probably not that high. So it seems logical that he would have ongoing issues with mobility and/or pain- hence the cane.

Now, the fact that he does sometimes run for brief periods of time, or fight someone with a fucking shovel, might seem to contradict the idea that he has those long-term effects. But here's the thing: when you have a disability, or chronic illness or pain, not every day is the same. Sometimes you might feel fine. Sometimes you'll manage reasonably well with medication or other aids. Sometimes you might wish you were dead. And that's not always based on what you've been doing or how well you're managing your health- there are issues that get worse with age, or vary with the weather or all sorts of things not really under your control.

As someone who was experiencing serious pain every day at one point in my life, with (thankfully much less frequent) ongoing flare-ups to this day, I'm perhaps a bit more inclined than others are to believe that Vetinari does need his cane. Perhaps he doesn't need it every day. Perhaps he does, but he can occasionally go without it, if he's willing and able to rest afterwards. Perhaps- and this seems entirely in-character to me- he's just a stubborn bastard who pushes himself too hard sometimes because he can't afford to show any limitations that might be perceived as weakness by those who aren’t very understanding or are looking for an excuse to have him deposed.

Either way, it's possible for him to do what real people do every damn day and just deal with it in whatever way he can. I used to push myself far too hard and pretend to be fine, to the point where I would eventually just not be able to get out of bed, because I didn't want people to think I was weak or lazy- things I'd never believe about anyone else who was unwell or in pain, but that I definitely thought about myself. Given what we know about Vetinari- i.e. that he likes to be in control and seem indispensable- he also seems like the kind of person who would try to carry on as though everything was completely fine, right up until the point where he physically cannot do that any more. In fact, we know that he’s that kind of person- if we go back to Feet of Clay again, he insists that he’s fine when he’s already collapsed once and immediately does so again on trying to stand up. Given that the times where he overexerts himself without his cane in Jingo and Raising Steam are times when he is trying to prevent wars breaking out, I would tend to assume that Vetinari is temporarily setting his own comfort aside at those times in order to keep his city- and its citizens- safe. Perhaps not the wisest thing he's ever done, but he has also stolen a dog from a bank and juggled knives so he's got surprisingly consistent form on doing stupid shit for someone who has a reputation for being sensible. He also just doesn’t seem to value his own well-being that much in general really, since he doesn’t seem to eat or sleep enough even when he’s otherwise okay, so I’d argue that the idea that he would power through any pain he’s feeling because He’s Got Shit To Do is a believable one.

Also- and I’ll admit that this bit feels particularly personal- people with disabilities are often not treated well in fiction, especially in fantasy. If they're not pitied, expected to be angelic martyrs, or miraculously cured, they're often villains. Vetinari is none of those things. He has limitations where others might not, sure, but he is also funny, competent, clever, and salty as hell. The fact that he has limited mobility and/or pain in his leg is incidental, and while it sometimes becomes plot-relevant- e.g. as a clue to him being framed in The Truth- it's never central or used as an excuse not to bother with any other characterisation. He’s just a relatively major character who happens to need to use a cane, because sometimes that’s a thing that happens. And sure, it's not perfect, because not everyone who has similar problems (or any kind of ongoing health issue!) is able to do the things he does, but it's nice to see a character as loved and interesting as Vetinari who is also, potentially, representation that isn't completely shit. I think it’s only fair that we try to acknowledge that.

[mysticsparklewings]

2019 Art Summary!

It's that time again when we all look back on the year we've had and reflect, and then look forward to what's to come in the New Year. This only my second year doing a yearly Art Summary piece (I didn't miss February like I did last year!) but I'm grateful for the tradition now. Looking back, 2019 had a lot going on for me and my art; I started out not that different from how I've been handling my art and myself online for the past couple of years, but as the year went on, I feel like I've done a lot of growing, finding myself, and even though I didn't start off in a terrible place, I think I'm in a much better one now. This really was a year of tremendous personal growth for me, both in art and just in life, and I can only hope that continues through the New Year and beyond. (As sappy as that is to say, I really mean it.) That said, let's look back on 2019 in a little more detail, shall we? January: Birthday Wishes I actually didn't have a ton of options to choose from for this month, as I think I was a little burnt out from the last couple of months in 2018 and giving myself some breathing room.  Still, this Shopkin colored to match my actual birthday cake actually remains one of my favorite mixed media pieces I've done. I don't know why, there's just something I really enjoy about how it turned out, for as simple as it is.  And for the record, I think I will be doing another custom Shopkin drawing for my birthday again this year, but I haven't decided anything beyond that yet. February: Floating Away (+ Time Lapse!) So as I mentioned earlier, on last year's Art Summary I discovered I didn't have any submissions dated in February and I hadn't yet gotten in the habit of documenting completion dates for my artwork, and so I didn't have an artwork to put there that I could definitively say was done in February. This year, however, February was actually one of my busiest months and I had a pretty wide variety to choose from. I ended up going with my little hot air balloon, as while it's a bit different from my normal work, I still think it's really cute and it also represents one of my attempts to start making videos of my artwork...Which I've been too lazy to do since the few attempts I did during this month... But who knows? I have a better camera and slightly larger workspace at my disposal, so perhaps I'll try again and be a little less lazy about that in 2020. March: Once a Killjoy, Always a Killjoy Oh boy, if past-me had only known what was to come later this year! March saw a lot of pieces from me practicing with watercolor and new supplies, but I think my favorite to come out of the month was my annual artwork to honor March 22nd, the anniversary of when My Chemical Romance, my favorite band, broke up. Only this time instead of doing pure fanart, I made myself into a Killjoy for the occasion.  (The design of which needs to be revamped a little because my hair is purple now, but that just means I already have one option for the anniversary this coming year!) And once again, this is a mixed media piece that I look back on very fondly. The concept is fun and the end result looks pretty cool. April: Doodle Moon I leaned pretty heavily into honing my watercolor craft in April, and among those efforts, this one is definitely my favorite. (Even if it doesn't fit on this template very nicely ) This one was a bit of an experiment in branching my traditional and digital art together in a different way, and I still really love how it turned out. Although unfortunately, I've yet to return to this technique, simply because I feel weird a lot of the time about "half finishing" a traditional piece and then making a lot of modifications to it digitally. It feels like cheating or being fake in a way to me. But I think I get that hangover from the concept of editing photos online and then passing them off as real & unedited...in which case it's a personal problem that I just need to deal with on my own. May: Butterfly Babe I didn't have a ton of artwork in May, but what I did have were usually bigger/more involved pieces, and this one is no different. I think 2019 is the year when I really came into owning my love for mixed media (which comes in large part from "I'm not good at x thing with y supply, but I can do x effect with z supply really well!") and this piece is a really great example of that. Once again, still one of my favorites and the scan really doesn't do it just with all the sparkle/metallic accents I incorporated. And I think I want to do more involved almost crafty projects like this more often, but that usually comes down to having the right inspiration to make it happen. June: Bug Girl Funnily enough, June 2019 is now my busiest month of all-time (in the almost 9 years I've been here on dA), and yet I only had one "real" piece of art for the Summary.  This was the month when I really got heavy into making my own Swatch Charts/Swatching Resources, and while some did carry over into July, the bulk of it was posted in June. I have to say, I don't think a ton of other people are using the charts, but I've certainly been getting good use out of them! And if I'm being honest I mostly wanted them for my own personal use anyway.  But for the artwork that you see here, this is another mixed media piece, this time commemorating one of my favorite books I've read this year, How to Make Friends with the Dark by Kathleen Glasgow. The artwork itself had some annoying problems in development, but the result is really beautiful to me, and so I think it was worth it in the end. July: Homemade Mini Sketchbooks! This month is more of a craft project than artwork, but I couldn't help myself as these little sketchbooks I made myself are probably one of my most favorite projects I did in 2019, and these first two spawned many more afterward.  It's funny to me because I've always wanted a way to combine my loves of books and art beyond just illustrating my writing (which isn't always something I feel like doing) and this, while maybe not a perfect solution, is definitely a unique way to do that. Plus, while making each book does take a little while, it is usually a pretty fun process now that I've gotten the better hang of it. These first two books aren't perfect, but they kicked off something I think I'll be sporadically doing for a good while to come. August: Mon Cher It feels like a lot happening this month, despite not having quite as much art as other months this past year. The month started off with the end of our family vacation, and I posted a journal when I got back where you can see that part of the reason this month felt so busy is that this is probably when I had the most new art supplies available to me to test out/play with during the year, including some items that I got at the tail end of July.  Out of the options I had though, this artwork seemed like the best choice to represent this month, as just like in April I leaned pretty heavily into using and practicing with watercolors and painting in general (as I dipped my toes into seriously painting with Acrylics this month too) and this is one of my more ambitious watercolor pieces. As I said when I first posted it, it has its mistakes and growing pains, but I still think it's really lovely. September: Fly By the Moon I was actually surprised, looking back, at how busy September was. My second acrylic painting (this one more in-depth than the first), an array of cute kitty drawings which have sort of become a series now, some personal pieces, and two contest entries. (One of which actually won!) I went with the acrylic painting since I'm still very proud of how it turned out, given that I don't use acrylics terribly often and hardly ever I go for realism (even semi-realism like this painting) either. Plus, this one is a nice memory of the two real luna moths that visited us, and I had to admit that it is just really nice to have a full painting on a canvas to hang up too.  I haven't done much more with acrylic painting yet, but I definitely want to. My main issue is that for me it's hard deciding on a good subject for the way I like to paint that I don't feel like would look equally as good if not better with a different medium. But hopefully, I'll find more excuses to break out the acrylics in 2020. October: Ink Dance Oh boy, what a month this was!  Inktober, new mini-magnets, trying gouache for the first time, and on the very last day the news of the decade (at least for me) that My Chemical Romance is back!  I followed my same principle as the art summary last year where it just doesn't feel fair to pick a favorite Inktober or use the wrap-up picture, so that left me with my gouache pieces or this one that looks more like a normal person's Inktober artwork, and out of my options, this is the one I like best. The gouache paintings aren't bad, I just need more practice and this one has more charm to me. And it's also funny to me that I was so concerned about ending up hating this one for the stippling and yet it turned out to be one of my favorites from this year. November: I will be with You The artwork for this month was pretty much a no-contest. I made this piece as a love letter to My Chemical Romance after the news of their Return, and likewise, I poured my heart and soul into it. It just might be one of my most favorite artworks to date; perhaps even worthy of being a "portfolio piece" on my website. Even more so after the fact now that I've seen the Return concert (albeit over a Livestream and not in person because California is like 2-3,000 miles away from me ). I was pretty busy throughout the month trying to keep up with a prompt challenge from Art Philosophy, but even so, I pushed myself to get this piece done and I'm so glad I did. December: Daises on Strawberry Hill Ah, and here we are at the very last. It's funny, the first half of this month seemed to drag by pretty slowly, but then after the second week things picked up pretty quickly (what with the Return concert and all) and I have to agree with my mom that Christmas went by so fast we almost missed that it happened at all. I don't have as much to show for this month, but that's in large part because I've been taking time off for my mental health and to spend time with and enjoy my family. I'm pretty happy with everything I produced this month, but my Looking for Alaska inspired art is definitely my favorite of the bunch. It's very graphic-design-ish and despite at the time having been done rather quickly and not super precisely, looking at it now it reads very cleanly. It's a little outside my normal art realm, but if anything I think that makes it stronger on its own.  I'm still chipping away at my longer review of the Hulu series I originally made it to talk about (like I said when I posted it, I have a lot of thoughts I want to talk about and not rush through), so I am indeed still planning on finishing and posting those...I just don't know when that'll be, considering I've already got a bit of a content schedule for myself going into the New Year, but eventually! Eventually, it'll be done! Overall, I'm honestly very happy with what I've managed to accomplish this year. Just like last year, I did a lot of experimenting with new supplies and new mediums--this time some I thought I'd never touch--and I hit even more milestones, including my first Daily Deviation in November. I feel like I've grown significantly more as an artist and a person this year though than I did last year. And in many ways, I feel like this year has renewed my confidence in my own skills and work. I'm not much of a "New Years' Resolution" type person, as I think the concept as tied to that particular phrase has been...I'll be generous and say overinflated and mistreated...but some of my Art Goals for 2020 are: Post more consistently/regularly (which I worked on a lot in 2019 too) Be more active & engaged on social media (I've already started working on this a little, but for some reason, this is honestly kind of hard for me as I always debate what's worth sharing online and what isn't ) Promote me and my work/art outlets more (Also something I find hard to do) Keep experimenting (Not really a goal so much as my artistic state of existence but whatever ) This past year has been one heck of a wild ready, but I'm more than ready to see what 2020 has in store for me. Cheers for the New Year ahead! ____ Artwork © me, MysticSparkleWings Art Summary Template: 2019 Summary of Art Template (Blank) ____ Where to find me & my artwork: My Website | Commission Info + Prices | Ko-Fi | dA Print Shop | RedBubble |   Twitter | Tumblr | Instagram

[96percentdone]

Anon if you’re wondering why I’m doing it like this it’s because I don’t want this showing up in the shi//rog//ane searches. I am going to rail very hard on her character. If you like her, you were warned.

To be quite frank I think literally anyone would have made a more interesting ringleader. Okay, that’s a lie. Except for Ouma and Harumaki and Yonaga, I think anyone else would have made a better ringleader. I’m gonna explain why, first starting briefly with why I think Ouma and Harumaki would have made worse ringleaders.

Ouma is quite simple: his entire character gimmick is “pretending to be an obvious mastermind only to end up NOT being the mastermind and is fundamentally against the killing game to begin with.” This is is just too good to ruin. Harukawa’s is less complicated in that she’s an assassin, so making her the ringleader would be boring and obvious. Like yeah okay of course the surprise assassin was the organiser of the killing game big fuckin whoop. And finally Yonaga, and the big reason for that is her character gimmick is “scary exotic foreigner” and cults and it’s a lot of racist shit and tbh I think even if you took a lot of that out, making the one foreign coded character (in a Japanese environment) your ringleader is asking for trouble. Don’t do that. 

The biggest reason I think shi//ro//gane fails not only as a DR mastermind, but as a character, is because she’s boring as shit and has no personality. It’s not even an accident she has no personality. in v3 characters tend to revolve around a gimmick, and her gimmick is literally being a non-entity. She constantly talks about being plain, and for most of the game her big thing each chapter is just...going with the gimmick of the chapter. That and she makes anime references that feel kind of forced and personally not how people tend to make references. And then in her big chapter, where she was the revealed to be the mastermind, she spends most of it pretending to be other pre-existing characters with more personality. 

Some people think the center of her personality is on fandom, and it’s a commentary on it, and on passion. To which I say: fucking where. Okay, I understand exactly where that potential lies, and in her free time events there’s definitely more of that. But I personally think that if I need to read the free time events (which are entirely optional you could play v3 without ever doing a fte, nevermind specifically hers) to feel like a character has a personality, then you didn’t write a well written character. 

What is there in the main story to suggest this? She makes constant poorly done anime references, and there’s one forced fanservice consplay scene. I’m blown away by this. It never feels like this is important to her, because it’s always played as like a joke or an event where her talent is just the excuse for fanservice in the ch1 scene. What else is there? Does she talk about her love for fandom and cosplay? Is she looking for excuses to dress people up in her various cosplays in the main story? No! Fuck I mean we even unlock her room and the mandatory conversation you have with her with that weird ass cg is about her bar life, not her fandom life. Like they go out of the way to not talk about it meaningfully in the one place it would be more than apt to do so. Seriously?

Chapter 6 is better at making her fandom commentary. You could argue that her constantly shifting into previous characters and rambling on and on about her love of dangan ronpa is fandom commentary. And yeah I guess it is. But it’s weak as fuck. It’s backed by like jack shit from the earlier chapters, and she has to talk about this because this is the big plan for ch6. It’s the ch6 gimmick! And then ch6 is an inconsistent mess of lies and contradictions that canon can’t explain, and she says some things (like the cosplaycat killer line) that imply she faked all that too so like. More following the chapter’s gimmick? would you believe? I would!

That’s the big problem with Shi//ro//ga//ne. Her gimmick is her entire personality, and that gimmick is not having one. That’s why she just does the big thing of every chapter, that’s why she’s so forgettable and doesn’t stand out and is “plain”, that’s why she constantly cosplays as other dr characters, and that’s why at the end of the chapter she goes “haha I pulled another great trick” without elaborating. Her thing is having no existing personality. Just being whatever the story needs. And maybe someone out there will be like “but that just shows her passion for DR and--” no. No what it is is just cheap and lazy writing, and again possibly not even true. 

And this has bad effects on writing a meaningful mastermind, particularly since we spent the entire game with her. She does nothing the entire time and doesn’t stand out, and particularly with v3′s writing where characters generally only become important in the chapter they die, by the time you get to ch6 it’s so obvious she’s going to be the ringleader. Harukawa’s had an arc (albeit a shitty one), Yumeno had an arc, Saihara is your protag for realsies who had an arc (albeit half-assed and not focused on what would have made it strong), and Kiibo is clearly having his big moment right now, so that leaves Shir//o//gane being saved up for something huge. Like the ringleader. She becomes obvious because she’s nothing. And then her reveal means nothing because she had no personality to get invested in because her gimmick was having no personality. And also they do nothing with her and chapter six is a poorly written garbage fest that makes no fucking sense.

She’s a bad mastermind because she’s a bad character, and she’s a bad character because her personality is a nonexistent thing that’s entirely up for grabs since she’s faked it all and her gimmick is just not being an interesting person. 

And this makes effectively anyone else a better ringleader, because anyone else in the game has more to their personality than she does. I’ll even explain why everyone excluding the previously mentioned three will make better antagonists before getting to my main ideal pick. In order of deaths!

Amami: he’s a mystery man right? that kinda seems to point against him but like play up the he died first trying to stop the killing game angle and it turns out he faked it or something just to get it started. He could take or leave killing Akamatsu off, but she chose trial, so she had to go. revise his videos a little so he looks a little sketchy, but even more like a victim trying to do good.

Akamatsu: if you just take out the fuckin “she has a twin bit” in ch6 and have it turn out she faked like her entire execution just so she looks like she’s entirely uninvolved, only to turn out she did kill Amami but with entirely different means, would that be cool or what? like it’d be the triple Akamatsu twist whammy. also wouldn’t waste her as a character cause she wouldn’t die for manpain to be your wife.

Hoshi: so yeah he’s kinda got the “I’m depressed because i’ve killed” shit working against him but you can easily rework that into a big old lie (hey look it’s the themes of the game some more wild). he’s still depressed in real life but his outlet for that was violence, so killing game.

Toujou: literally she gets power hungry and sick of constantly having to tend to the whims of everyone around her. her loving serving people was the big lie. she’s more interested in serving herself and the audience. Simple. Effective. Subverts her character in a meaningful but still relevant way.

Chabashira: she’s super honest and open about her emotions right? To an almost childlike way? fuck yeah you could make that ringleader shit. She wants to bring out the best in people emotionally, except she actually thinks the best way to do that is trauma. But she doesn’t really actually care about your emotional wellbeing, and that becomes apparent throughout the trial. her big fuckin lie. amazing.

Shinguuji: see this is tough and i’m tempted to put him in the not-mastermindable category because of chapter 3 which was. eugh. But okay see we’re just gonna take out all the weird incest serial killer shit. shinguuji’s gimmick anyway is that he’s detached and more interested in observing the people around him like an onlooker than he is partaking. smart but doesn’t give much a shit. this is easily played up to ringleader levels just. “I wanted to put humans in a society I made myself to play god and observe them to my heats content” simple. not as thematic, but hey it’s consistent.

Iruma: okay so canonically. Iruma is kinda a bitch. I mean this positively she’s kinda funny even if the sex jokes gross me out. She’s paranoid and kinda narcissistic and super weak to criticism and bites people in an attempt to make them not bite her. So what if it turns out like that’s just...fake. she’s actually just rude mean and crude not as some kinda backwards defense mechanism (we’re taking out the kink) it’s just because she likes being mean and crude. She seems so weak willed as a person but it turns out she orchestrated and “invented” the killing games just to keep attention on her and put people through hell. I’m not totally confident in this one I’m sure others can come up with better but fuck I mean it’s not shi//ro//ga//ne.

Gokuhara: this is easy he’s not actually a gentleman at all! it’s a big lie! a ploy to make him sympathetic and likeable! He went along with Ouma’s shit just because he thought it was amusing! The world at large decided he couldn’t be a gentleman, so he decided to be the biggest brute you can find and run killing game where he makes himself look good in comparison to everyone else. you’d have to rewrite ch6 a lot but it’d be better than canon anyway lmfao

Momota: now Momota’s my second favourite ringleader choice not gonna lie. This is just because the narrative plays him up as your shsl best friend and you get very invested in him (despite his uh....glaring toxic masculinity problems which we’re taking out because they add nothing to his character). His big thing is being a supportive believer. a shounen protag. but it’s all bullshit! Have the real Momota be the audition tape asshole. Or he doesn’t even have to be that it’s just his big thing will be that huge punch of betrayal that won’t compare except for with my #1 pick. But we’ll get to them very soon.

Kiibo: Y’know those posts that talk about how AIs are actually going to be very pure with their best interest in being serving humanity? I want that for Kiibo, but in a super warped and twisted way. Kiibo in his desire to be seen as a human and respected by them, starts feeding the twisted desires of the masses with the torture porn they crave in the form of a killing game, because this will make him be accepted as one of them. But he still ends up being a kind of subservient AI who never escapes that role, so now the killing game runs partially on hate, and partially on the thin remains of hope he has. I think this is kinda fun.

Yumeno: Yumeno is great because she has that whole arc where she learns to be open with her feelings and honest with herself right? Well we’re gonna make that just. a big old lie. She just doesn’t give a shit, so fuck it she’ll do this killing game shit too.

And finally, top pick: Saihara. Saihara would be the literal best option. Keep the protagonist switch. Akamatsu dies, we take Saihara as protagonist now. He gets played out basically the same. We play thinking we’re playing an insecure detective with some issues with the truth (and some issues with lies that aren’t capitalised on as well but hey that’s not actually entirely necessary for this scenario). We think Saihara is trying to carry on Akamatsu’s wish, because he says he would, and he solves all the cases and seems to be interested in saving everyone.

But...it’s a lie. Like in chapter 1 we were playing with an unreliable narrator the whole game. Saihara’s focus on the mystery versus trying to guarantee their lives in the game now gets played for “of course he’s focused on those this is his show. It’s what he lives for.” Saihara created a killing game to have an endless set of murder mysteries to solve, and he doesn’t really care about the people, but their potential in creating a good story. Maybe he’s even the pre-game fanboy too if we’re keeping that trick. And the narrative insisting on framing him as good through the use of the cast becomes a clever trick to hide his motivations.It’d be another unreliable narrator, and the best way to capitalize on the themes of the game. More lies. 

Not to mention it would make the Akamatsu thing especially brutal, because you play as him to frame her for a crime it will turn out she did not actually commit. The replay value of the game at LARGE would be through the roof, all because of this trick. It’d be fucking fascinating, and it would just destroy dangan ronpa formula. We’ll have not only a murder protagonist, but a mastermind protagonist. Listen. LISTEN. This is the best possible ringleader selection. I will fight you. dkgjrngdjkn

Okay I went on long enough we’re gonna call it a day. I hope this more than answered your questions!

[kmp78]

The youtube comments are priceless! The majority feels exactly how we feel. I hope J finally gets the message! (BUT HE DOESN’T WANNA READ THE MESSAAAAAGGE HEEEERRREEEEEEEE…Hahahaha!)  

Jesus, this isn’t even music man

5 minuets ago: Was thinking about getting a 30stm tattoo. After hearing this song:“Well…… Do I even like 30stm anymore?”

I feel violated listening to this…dreading seeing them next week now… :/

(Aren’t you happy you bought a ticket before the new album came out. Hahaha!)

I’m so disappointed, i prefer “attack” or “this od war” and the like. I’m sorry that my favorite band is no longer cool ok that’s it. still sticking with their old stuff including LLFD but THIS? Hell no! 30 seconds to mars dying, very slowly… 😪  WHERE’S ROCK!? My god… I don’t hate them but… I don’t like how many thing’s changed…. I miss the old music… What the fuck, Jared? This is major ear rape so plastic and fake I understand now why Tomo isn’t in the band anymore.

They played one of their new song in Paris 2 weeks ago, Tomo had to leave the stage because the song didn’t needed him… Heartbreaking (Indeed.)

At least is better than Dangerous Night. But the same as it was with Hurricane, that rap/hip hop part or whatever it is, doesn’t have any business with the song, it’s just awful Sorry but this is very comercial, it’s fine but this is not 30 STM, it’s very generic, very simple, we dont need more trap or similar songs I’m sorry I just can’t bring myself to like this. So mainstream. Noooooo, sounds like all pop music 💔 I’m really sad because on the strength of the songs that I’ve heard so far I shall not be buying the new album.

(Me neither.)

I don’t even know how to comment this. Wtf guys? What is it? 😣 I do not hate 30stm but this is the last song I hear from them, this is not 30stm, I’m sorry but from today I will stop listening to their new music Every album they sell out more and more

(Amen.)

Man…..this is just……….sad……

(Yup.)

Mars is dead!

(Agreed. R.I.P.)

I love you guys but please stop. Just stop it. The hell with that chasing fame, money or whatever you’re trying to chase with the new style. Stay YOU, Stay loyal to YOUR music! To your fans! that’s what got you to where you are now! So please PLEASE get me my Thirty seconds to mars BACK! (Fans finally seeing the light…)

disappointment just got a new name….😣😣 they were so so much better

What even?(Exactly.)

Guys, please … hahahah come on. Couldn’t get any worse..

U were my favourite band what happened to you?

(J sold his soul and his integrity to money and fame and got lazy after Gucci started paying him for doing nothing. That’s what happened.)

What mainstream bullshit is this? This is truly disappointing. Jared, if you wanted to go solo, you should’ve done so. You didn’t have to drag the band’s name through the mud with this crap. Now excuse me while I go listen to 30 Seconds to Mars, A Beautiful Lie and This Is War ✌🏽. Well…. I’m kinda really disappointed… 😕

(You and me both.)

all i think is, is tomo okay with this?

(Same.He can’t be or I will really start questioning his sanity too.)

what happened with you guys.

(Money and fame happened to J. Why make an effort when you get paid for doing nothing.)

Wtf! I can’t even understand him! This is not the 30 seconds to Mars I know and love sometimes change isn’t better and he’s changed way too much What the fuck is this shit? Thirty Seconds of Jared. This is not a band anymore. I’m not only talking about the rock side of them, at least the previous one had a band touch. This is only a beatmaker/producer, a voice, a featuring and a guitar solo. Not creativity and no more innovation.

(Amen.)

This band lost the plot. Been teased 5 years for an album that probably took them 3 months to make. Horrible album marketing/art, didnt know the name until yesterday. Complete sellout sound intended for more radio play. This is hilariously disappointing.

(AMEN! *MIC DROP* Nothing to add!!!)

At first I wasn’t sure but tbh I just think I’m really weirded out by the autotune over Jared’s voice??? Maybe it’d sound better live without that? Idk I’ll still follow since I love them but this is like so shockingly different I’m still trying to process it 😂❤️ also btw yes a lot of people are hating, but sometimes it isn’t hate. Some people are just genuinely confused by such a dramatic change in sound and there is a difference between criticism and hate

(A fan who isn’t one of the blind sheep.)

The song itself is really cool, the style they chose for the arrangement feels bland and does not make justice to the song but the harmony and melody’s are quite simple and effective but changing from walk on water, dangerous night to this track is quite the change and almost make it seem like the band has quite a big identity problem, either way good song/untasteful arragement i gotta say 30 Seconds To Mars is my favourite band in the whole world. And my heart aches when I listen to this new stuff. I get that time has passed and people change, I accept that. I just can’t find myself in this new era… Well at least Jared is still awesome in acting…

(Bless your heart. I take it you haven’t seen Suicide Squad or Blade Runner or The Outsider yet…?)

💕 30STM could do anything and I’d still be in love 😍

(I have no doubt in my mind about that! J could shit in a box and you’d still love it and say how AMAZING it is!)

Shut up, fake fans!! Yes, this one is a lot different from A Beautiful Lie, but EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS CHANGING. A true fan will love this. Don’t you get it, people? And your “trash” comments will not change the music of 30 Seconds To Mars. They were good, and they still are. It is just different now.

(The SHEEP will buy any shit J puts out and love it. Yes we are painfully aware of how THE ECHELON works. Yes, it TRULY is a cult. And OH YES everything definitely is changing…FOR THE WORSE. I hope your world won’t come crashing down too hard on you when you finally see the light and realize there is no “wizard” behind that curtain.)

I’m the only who really likes the song????

(Probably. Haha!)

***

Thanks, anon :)

It´s kinda hard to find something to disagree with here...

(Disclaimer and rules)

[devonrunning]

Adventures in Postpartum Exercise

I went back to the gym 17 days after giving birth.

That was a mistake.

I was eager to feel a little bit like my old self again, to move my body independently of doing things for my baby, and dear God, to actually be alone and do whatever I wanted for 30 glorious minutes. And yes, I was eager to start working toward my pre-baby body again.

17 days after giving birth.

That was a mistake.

I always thought I would give myself more grace after having a baby, but it was much different psychologically for me at the time from what I imagined. I gave myself all the grace in the world when I had a baby in my belly, but once she was out, I felt like I no longer had an excuse to carry the extra weight (even though, duh, I totally did—I just had a baby and was breastfeeding to boot).

I didn’t anticipate the physical awkwardness of that postpartum in-between phase, when my pre-baby clothes were still a looong way from fitting, but my maternity clothes were pilled and stretched out and unflattering. I didn’t realize I’d have to buy a whole third wardrobe to accommodate that phase (many pieces of which I’m still wearing, by the way, since I don’t comfortably fit into my pre-baby jeans or some tops nearly 17 months later, but I’ve long since accepted that).

Back to that first trip to the gym. The common advice after an uncomplicated vaginal birth is to wait six weeks to do anything other than light walking, and then get cleared by your doctor to exercise again. I felt great by 17 days out, though, and had stopped bleeding (after giving birth, you basically have the longest, heaviest period of your life—woo-hoo), so I figured it was OK. I think I did a slow, gentle stint on the elliptical and lifted some weights. I felt great!

And then I started bleeding again. It was then I realized I had pushed my body too far, and decided to wait until my six-week checkup to exercise again—just like I should have in the first place.

I got the all-clear at that checkup on June 11, then went for my first postpartum run the very same day. I alternated one minute of running with one minute of walking for 30 minutes, with a 13:07 pace overall. 

I felt great, but certain body parts definitely jiggled in a way they never had before. I must have either fed Evie or pumped right before I left, but my chest was still… a factor… in my running that I’d never experienced before. The larger sports bra I’d worn throughout my pregnancy was laughably way too small now that I was feeding a hungry baby, so I bought a Fiona bra at a local Brooks outlet store to keep everything nice and strapped in.

Side note: Now that I’ve experienced what it’s like to have a larger chest, I have major sympathy for ladies who have dealt with that their whole lives. It’s a real pain in the ass. I nursed for 13 months, so it’s been about four months since we stopped and I am thrilled to be back in my pre-baby bras.

I ran/walked a few times a week until the end of July, when Evie was 12 weeks old and I went back to work. I should also mention that Aaron and I did Whole30 during the month of July. I was inspired by Cely writing good things about it, and I really needed to do something to clean up my eating and gain some body confidence before going back to work.

I was particularly mortified by this photo taken in June, where I still looked quite pregnant. 

I was less than two months postpartum, so of course I recognize now that looking like this is totally normal and perfectly fine. But I also wasn’t eating very well at the time, and knew I could do better and feel better in the process.

I did a lot of research before starting Whole30 about how to do it as a nursing mother, and about whether or not it would impact my milk supply. (Please do your own research and talk to your doctor about what’s right for you; don’t go by my decisions!) Typically snacking between meals is discouraged while doing Whole30, but nursing moms are free and encouraged to snack whenever they need to. 

I also read many accounts from moms who said that Whole30 either had no impact on their milk supply or actually increased it. Whole30 is all about eating real, unprocessed, nutrient-rich, calorie-dense foods, so it made sense to me that it would only improve the quality and/or quantity of milk. I obviously can’t be a judge of quality, but I can report that I experienced no negative impact to my supply. In fact, July was the month I really focused on pumping as much as I could to build up my stash of frozen milk before going back to work, and I was able to do that just fine.

By the end of the month, I had lost eight pounds, was sleeping better (when I was able to; I was still waking up several times a night) and had so much more energy in general. Whole30 was a great success, and I went back to work feeling awesome!

I was much happier with this family photo, taken in mid-August. That’s a whole pre-baby outfit! (All made of stretchy knits, but still.)

I had always been pretty sure I wanted to go back to work—I enjoyed my creative job and just never pictured myself as a stay-at-home mom—but I still cried leading up to my return. I knew it was the end of the first phase of Evie’s life, when her mom was around 24/7 to take care of her, and the time had gone by so quickly. It felt like I was losing something I’d never get back. I get teary-eyed even now thinking of those feelings.

But the first day I went back to the office, I knew I’d made the right decision. I still missed my baby like hell, and fumbled my way through pumping three times a day while trying to catch up on everything that had happened at work while I was gone, but it felt so good to be showered and dressed in real clothes and doing grown-up work with other grown-ups. 

I have so much respect for stay-at-home moms; it is truly one of the most difficult jobs in the world. It just wasn’t right for our family.

It helped me a lot emotionally that Aaron had a month of paternity leave left to use, so he stayed home with Evie through August before she started daycare. The transition to daycare was pretty rough as she adjusted to being cared for by complete strangers and being around other babies all day, but she was completely settled in after about a month and grew to love it. Even though she’s now in a toddler room, she still loves her teachers from the infant room and will leap into their arms for big hugs whenever she sees them. It’s so sweet.

Anyway, I’m getting off track! After I started back at work, making exercise a priority became a lot more challenging because all I wanted to do when I got home was snuggle my baby. More often than not, I chose to do just that—which was totally the right decision. Even though in those early days, when you’re barely sleeping, it feels like your baby will be a squishy, helpless, cuddly little thing forever, that stage goes by so fast. Everyone says it, and it’s annoying, but it’s true. I’m glad I savored every chance to have my little squishy baby take a sweet, open-mouthed nap on me.

Evie began sleeping through the night around six months old, after several grueling nights (weeks? who knows) of letting her cry for certain amounts of time and then comforting her until she learned to soothe herself back to sleep.

This. Was. A. Game-changer.

Evie now had a predictable bedtime and was (almost always) guaranteed to sleep for 12 hours, so I knew I had plenty of free time to work out once she was down. We had also just bought our house and moved to a different town, so I enjoyed going on short runs to explore the new area.

Still, I struggled with the transition to fall—colder temps, more rain, and nights that became dark earlier. Looking back on my GPS records, I didn’t run for the entire month of September… and also for another entire month between Thanksgiving and Christmas. (I decided to embrace the holiday season and just go all-out with eating and being lazy).

When 2017 rolled around, Aaron and I decided to do another round of Whole30 as a post-holiday reset. I lost another five pounds in January and effectively kicked my sugar cravings.

My friend Hallie invited me to join her team for a relay in April, so I had an actual goal to motivate me to run on a regular basis. The fact that I’d be part of a team of five women was a big motivator because I didn’t want to be the out-of-shape weak link.

This post is getting veryyy long, so I’ll save the rest of my relay prep and the race itself for the next one!

In the meantime, you can catch up on my running and exercise in real time on Instagram @dev.on.running.

[falling-stars-and-open-scars]

Life Update

So, a lot’s happened since my last actual blog post/writing/whatever [Jan. 11th] So, let’s recap:

- Got my first speeding ticket Jan 16th

- Immediately TOTALED my car the VERY next day (Jan. 17th) and spent probably a good month trying to get things sorted out/get a car rented/get a NEW car, etc. 

- In February: I saw that some coworkers were in a Facebook Group Chat complaining about me “being late” to work. Told my manager and head veterinarian about it and ofc neither did anything about it. A few weeks AFTER that, I “magically” get told that unless I have more availability due to “scheduling” that I was fired. Do keep in mind LITERALLY NO ONE talked to me about my schedule and IN FACT, I told one of the receptionists who works on the monthly schedule that in March I’d be able to work MORE hours during Spring Break so......wtf.....doesn’t add up. And if it usually doesn’t add up, it usually isn’t true. So I really truly feel I got canned because 1)I wasn’t part of the “girl’s club” and actively resented the notion of a girl’s club - “This isn’t high school, I just want to do MY job and my JOB does not require me to be best friends with your dumbass” and 2) The head veterinarian’s pet/favorite was involved in the group chat. Soooooo. Yeah, fuck that place. I worked 20 hours per week and STILL managed to get ALL my work done and the dumb hoes y’all hired off the street can’t seem to even get 2 out of 6 tasks done in 1 week and they “work” more hours than I did.....but they also sat on their asses and ordered Jeffery Starr makeup and Shawn Dawson makeup or whatever the fuck their names are while animals literally went HOURS without water. I know this because I saw it and purposefully did not handle the situation because I’m not the ONLY fucking person who works there; it’s not SOLELY my job to do water checks and they sat on their asses for hours so I was literally trying to give them a chance to redeem themselves; but no, doggo went without water for hours until I refilled the bowl. UGH! And I had to force myself to NOT immediately take care of the problem and it was HARD because the dog didn’t deserve it and it wouldn’t have taken but maybe a minute to take care of. It was just the simple principle of it - I’m working at MY job and y’all should be too but you’re not. I hated that place. I hated my coworkers - bunch of lazy idiots straight up off the fucking street without so much as a goddamn DRUG TEST. No drug test. No BACKGROUND check. No prior animal care experience needed. BULLSHIT! Test them! TEST TEST TEST LITERALLY EVERYONE who walks in and tries to apply because *ahem* THE HEALTH AND WELL BEING OF THE ANIMALS IS WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT THIS CLINIC AND IF YOU CANNOT AND WILL NOT INSURE THAT THE PEOPLE *YOU* EMPLOY ARE TRUSTWORTHY AND DRUG-FREE BY DOING A SIMPLE FUCKING CRIMINAL BACKGROUND CHECK AND A DRUG TEST THEN YOU DO NOT HAVE *ANY* RIGHT TO BE IN BUSINESS! 

Annnyway. Randos off the fucking street who couldn’t tell you the ass end of a dog from the front end of a dog and who primarily worked ONLY in retail are more important than having an employee who: 1) fucking works her shift and stays until every single last thing is done, 2) was an employee with the CITY and worked closely with Animal Control/Public Safety AS a kennel attendant for 2 full fucking years and did that job pretty much by herself, 3) CAN PASS a drug test AND background check, and 4) went to school to learn if she can improve in anyway so that the care that she provides for the animals is the ABSOLUTE best it can be without verging into super technical/doctoral territory. Yeeeep. Sounds like a GREAT plan, right? Hire AND KEEP complete fucking morons who CAN’T EVEN READ A LABEL ON A BOTTLE TO MAKE SURE THEY DON’T CREATE MOTHERFUCKING CHLORINE GAS AND KILL EVERY LAST LIVING THING IN THE DAMN BUILDING ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU WANT TO USE A METRIC FUCKTON OF CHEMICALS AND BLEACH TOGETHER BECAUSE, AGAIN, YOU DON’T READ THE FUCKING LABEL TO KNOW THAT ONLY 1/8TH OF A FUCKING CUP OF TOP PERFORMANCE PLUS 1 GALLON OF WATER IS ENOUGH TO BE AN EFFECTIVE CLEANING SOLUTION over someone who actually knows their shit. What could possibly go wrong--oh, wait, literally fucking everything. Not like y’all had a PARVO dog in recently and the floor of the room the PARVO dog was in has NOT been deep cleaned with parvocide. Oh wait, that’s TOTALLY THE CASE BECAUSE LAZY BITCHES DON’T CLEAN THEIR FLOOR EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE TO DO WEEKLY FLOOR DEEP-CLEANINGS AND SCRRRUUUUBBBB THE EVER LIVING FUCK OUT OF THE FLOOR USING KENNEL-SOL [which, btw, is effective against *legasp!* FUCKING PARVO!]. Did I mention that they had an older dog literally up and die in the boarding department for no known reason? Well, they sure as fuck did and that dog did NOT get a pre-boarding examination as it “wasn’t due for one” because “yearly exams” are enough. Um, NAH! Unless that dog was seen within the past WEEK, you examine the FUCK outta it! AND GET A GODDAMN FECAL TOO BECAUSE I’M TIRED OF HAVING DOGS COME IN AND BE SHITTING THEIR BRAINS OUT BECAUSE THEY HAVE A FUCKING PARASITE. They had no idea how that dog died, but it was noted that the dog was not eating her food throughout her time there. And noooobody thought “hmm, maybe we should get her checked out? it’s probably just her bad teeth, but maybe we should at least check....maybe ask the owner if we can do some bloodwork (which should’ve been done beforehand/done in a pre-boarding exam)?” Nah, they were like “Oooh, it’s friday; you got food and water, you’ll be fine. I’m outtie at 6pm whether there’s a shitton of other things to do or not.” then came back Saturday morning to find her dead in her fucking kennel.

Not my clinic, not my problem anymore. 

Seriously hated that place.

But now, I have an opportunity to work for the city again as a kennel attendant while going to school. Considering my knowledge/education and background and the fact that I literally did the job once before and can do it again and when I did leave, I left on good terms; there shouldn’t be any reason why I’m not hired on. If I do get hired, I’d be making $12 verses the $10.50 bullshit this clinic was paying me and have the title of “city employee” again, so a little bit of a pride-booster there. I’ll be working by myself, which I prefer anyways because I know I can rely on myself to get shit done and, if for some reason shit doesn’t get done, I have only one person to blame - myself. It’ll be hard juggling that and school, but I think I can do it.

Now, in regards to weight loss.....I’ve plateaued and may have even gained a bit. I get being stressed and not making good food choices and skipping the workouts and all; like, the “excuses” make sense but....I’m not done losing weight. I’m not where I want to be. I’m definitely better than where I was, and while that’s great, I still got more to do. Maybe with this new kennel job, I’ll be forced to be more active [potentially working 25 hours per week instead of just 20]. I’ll probably post an updated weight-loss/management plan in a bit. 

But yeah, that’s pretty much the recap. Made amends with my best friend too, she (thankfully) dumped her loser boyfriend that I had issues with and we were able to talk things out/I was able to tell her what my issues were with him and she was able to ACTUALLY hear me out instead of having him try to twist and control and manipulate things. I’m thankful she’s away from that and we can get back to being us. She doesn’t know I’ve lost weight. She doesn’t know about my weight loss goals or plans or anything like that, so it’ll be interesting to see if she comments at all [and with a 15-20 pound weight loss since we last saw each other, I’d really hope that there are some obvious improvements]

That’s it for now, I guess.

Thanks for letting me ramble, O great void of Tumblr (because no one reads this shit anyways. LMFAO)

[grumpycollegetips]

How coping with anxiety and depression in college helped me forge strong friendships

This essay -- pretty much a love letter to my undergrad college experience -- had been 5 years in the making. Today, on World Mental Health Day, I’m sharing the obstacles I faced 5 years ago as a 17-year old college freshman who suffered from anxiety and depression.

While running this blog, several people reached out with general mental health questions and asked for advice on how to get away with not drinking in college, so I’m back with a hopefully uplifting story as someone who’s grown exponentially through battling anxiety and depression. If you’re on your own mental health journey, at any stage in your life, this story is for you.

TL;DR, College was the best thing to happen to my mental health.

When I rolled up to campus on college move-in day in an SUV full of dorm necessities five years ago, I didn’t think I was asking for much from my college experience. All I wanted was to stop being so afraid of everything.

At 17 years old, I felt anything from wary to terrified of what I imagined a typical college student looks forward to in their first year. Independence, new people and social events were the last things my anxiety disorder wanted to experience, even after almost a year of talk therapy and medication. I'd spent the months leading up to my first semester of college embarking on painstakingly planned dorm shopping trips — the routes I'd drive, in what order I'd visit stores, what I'd buy from each — and spending hours late at night preparing for dorm life by watching endless amounts of YouTube. I needed to know exactly what to expect from my college experience so I could be in complete control of it.

In the first year following my diagnosis of depression stemming from generalized anxiety disorder, I’d made minimal progress, enough that I wasn’t crying every other therapy session.

But I knew that I could do better. Somehow, I was sure there would be a day for me when I didn’t feel burdened with my invasive, obsessive and oppressive thoughts. I knew that someday I wouldn't spend most of my waking moments fearing a panic attack.

That ideal life, I decided, was going to start with me living in a dorm full of strangers at a college campus a safe 30 miles from home. 

(Above: Look, I did things! It took hours of mental planning to prepare for a social event, and I left early.)

At first, being in a shared living situation with a mental illness wasn’t too conducive to starting friendships on the right foot. Depression for me didn’t look like the girl who lived at the end of our hall and never said a word to any of us all year — an image most people would associate with such a mental illness. I was friendly, I got along with my hallmates, and I did normal things like going on Target runs and sunbathing on the lawn.

(Aforementioned Target run. Let’s not talk about the quality of either the pic or my choice in food.)

But while my new friends saw me as amiable, I later learned they also thought I was closed-off because I’d often turn down invitations to anything from seeing a movie to going to the dining hall across campus. My anxious, irrational thoughts told me I’d have a panic attack during “The Fault in Our Stars” and an asthma attack while walking across campus. I knew I shouldn’t, but I listened to that voice. I believed it.

So I overcompensated for being held back with anxiety by suggesting we do things within my comfort zone; I bought Bananagrams, Jenga and Apples to Apples; shared a 50-pack of chocolate chip cookies with the entire floor every week; started a collection of film classics for movie nights in our 11-by-14 double room; and invested in an iPhone 4S so I could participate in iMessage group chats with new friends.

(Above: The infamous 50-set cookies.)

Establishing myself as the “game night girl” and “’She’s the Man’ girl” —  and, I’ll admit, “Twilight” girl —  helped bridge the gap between me and my potential friends. We did lots of things together, so I hoped they wouldn’t think too much of it when I bailed on other plans.

Things were going well until, a few weeks in, I came face-to-face with a trigger that threatened to set off a panic attack.

On a particularly quiet weekend, my randomly paired roommate pestered me to go to the beach with her. Despite my protests — the secret reason being that I wasn’t familiar with the place we were going and I was afraid of long walks — and my barely concealed discomfort, she coerced me into going off campus, thinking I was just being lazy.

As we drove alongside the beach, I convinced myself that it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought: We’d sit on the sand, watch the waves and head back to campus. But soon we were passing bonfires blowing plumes of smoke, and my thoughts raced with ways to convince my roommate to change her plans. If we were to go down to the beach, the smoke would aggravate my asthma, I'd have an asthma attack and I'd have to call the paramedics (again) —  or so I told myself.

My roommate, excited to explore her new city, didn’t notice at first when I didn’t get out of her car. When she confusedly looked in through the window, I knew I was cornered. If I didn’t tell her my irrational fears, I wouldn’t get out of the plan.

With the faint smell of smoke triggering my fight-or-flight instincts, I got out and asked desperately if we could stay by the car as a compromise. But when she insisted that we go by the water to enjoy the beach, I couldn’t hold back anymore. As I cried in front of her for the first time, I admitted that I really didn’t want to be there and didn’t think my asthma would survive the bonfires by the beach.

I expected an awkward, confused apology and an equally awkward and confused silence as I cried on the short drive back to campus. But the woman who would, within a year, become my best friend instead surprised me with a sincere apology and a compromise.

That afternoon, she drove us less than a mile down to a park with an ocean view, and we spent an hour lying on the grass and watching airplanes take off right over us. I decided crying in front of my roommate crushed a barrier between us, so I shared my worries that people thought I was weird and unsociable. She admitted that she’d wondered why I was concerned with things like leaving for class 35 minutes early for a 15-minute walk or the fact that she kept our window open at night.

I was stunned that she’d noticed and wondered about my quirks that I thought had mostly flown under the radar. So I decided it was time to be more honest with my mental struggles; if I wanted a salve for my anxiety, establishing trust and friendship was a good start.

I told her that three years prior, I’d experienced a near-fatal exercise-induced asthma attack, and that prevented me from walking distances. Running or hiking were absolutely off limits. Though I had no experience with alcohol, its effects terrified me, whether it was me or someone else consuming it. Loud noises put me on edge. If I wasn’t the one to plan something, I couldn’t partake in the plans that (I thought) I had no control over.

My thoughts were irrational, but that's not what my roommate told me. Instead, she promised to be more aware that I had struggles that she never realized someone could have. “This can be our park now,” I remember her saying as we folded up our blankets to head back to campus. For the first time since moving to college, I was comforted with the knowledge that someone actually understood me.

(”Our” picnic park, pictured 1.5 years after the ~asthma incident~)

Our core friend group naturally grew to our circle of floormates, and our plans evolved from Banagrams on the hall floor and movie nights in my dorm room to hikes around the city, concerts and house parties. I expertly waved off parties with excuses of late shifts at the library and avoided hiking trips with my own on-campus plans. Though leaving campus made me anxious, my friends — who, through my roommate, vaguely understood that there were things I couldn’t do — still extended invitations on the off-chance that I’d join.

With the passing weeks, I grew self-conscious about my efforts to push my mental limits at my own pace. Surely, no one would want to be friends with someone who wasn’t “down” for everything.

(Above: A DIY wall quote that definitely helped me on those nights I spent alone in the dorm room. Plus, you know this pic was taken in 2012 by the horrific editing job.)

I picked and chose what I was comfortable doing, usually plans that didn’t involve walking distances, and somehow was able to socialize enough to maintain friendships. Sometimes we had to drive when we could walk, and sometimes I’d go quiet during our excursions to talk myself out of my anxious thoughts, but my new friends accepted that was how I was and encouraged me to push myself to go on more local adventures without knowing why some things could be so hard for me. And I started trusting them.

We didn’t get to that point with just dorm ice breakers and RA-organized events. When someone would ask what medication they saw me taking every night, I’d reveal I was on a low dose of an anti-depressant to stabilize my anxiety. If asked what my Friday plans were some weeks, I shared that I was seeing my therapist. I put a pause on my “fake it ‘til you make it” attitude to let my closest friends know that I was struggling with a mental illness.

And in return, my friends were open about their own struggles — with homesickness, with stress, with their own anxiety. We hadn’t known each other a year, yet we trusted each other during the biggest transitional period of our lives.

By my second year of college, I was able to embark on my first college road trip. With the help of my friends, I pushed my asthmatic self up the hills of San Francisco’s Chinatown and explored new places without the fear of not being in charge of planning.

For once, my excitement to be doing things that I considered normal for college students was louder than my anxiety.

(Those two hands belong to two women who remain some of my best friends.)

The rest of undergrad flew by as I kept surprising myself and my friends with the things I was able to push myself to do. And, even better, my best friends pointed out when I'd do things that my freshman self never would have considered. I started going to the beach for fun sophomore year, and I tried going to a house party junior year (I didn't last long). By senior year, I was going on short hikes and felt comfortable in bar and club environments.

I was only able to overcome these anxieties because of the difficult moments I faced in college, which I shared with my closest friends. At one point or another over four years, I had to ask each of them to talk me through an anxious episode or sit with me as I battled my own thoughts. But not once did they seem uncomfortable with such a request; later, they’d admit that those experiences helped them understand my condition. They were even happy to see the strong trust we’d built.

By the end of college, after trying to be as open as possible about how anxiety affected my daily life, I’d become a go-to support system for friends who found themselves struggling with mental health.

When a friend confided in me about her signs of depression, I tried to destigmatize and demystify seeking professional help by sharing my experiences from four years of therapy. During my junior year, I talked and comforted another friend through a panic attack —  and didn’t allow it to trigger my own. When my best friend shared that she was experiencing anxious feelings for the first time, we talked about what anxiety felt like and brainstormed calming methods.

A few years after I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, through medication, therapy, strong friendships and gradual confidence building, I was in a mental state where I was able to counsel the same friends who had supported me through my own battles. And it was in these moments of feeling like I was giving back to my ever-supportive group of friends that I felt happier and stronger than ever.

I’m proud to have not suffered a single panic attack during college. But I’m even prouder of the fact that, as I'm enjoying a life where I can travel and jog on a treadmill, I’m still surrounded by the same friends who would help me through whatever obstacle comes my way.

[justinsearchofparadise]

August 15th, 2017

                                                Jay’s Story

                                                                                                    Preface

      If for any reason Jay were to read this and not want it posted or feel afflicted by the contents I would take it down as soon as possible. As a following effect, if Jay were to be uninterested in talking to me ever again I would completely understand. I lied in our first conversations which is bad way to start a foundation. Although I would be very disheartened by the ending of our friendship I will understand and accept the repercussions of the contents in this story. If you made it this far through the crazy pieces of mine Jay, thank you. A person like you reading something like this makes me glad that I did it. Plus, it means that i’m an awesome cakes writer and you want to see more in which case don’t hesitate to ask to meet in person in which case i’ll gladly show you more of my writing pieces and give you an in depth view of my perspective on the world, life, and the people I get the pleasure of meeting. Meeting someone just like you.

                                                      Part 1

      I have been toying with the idea of writing my thoughts out and sharing them for a while now. I've been reluctant to not because the source material is weak or due to a lack of creativity; Laziness just gets the best of me. At the time of writing this short piece I am in the bathroom contemplating whether or not if I should go to the city to write today. I could get a lot done. Probably even start on the second part of Ferry thoughts? Let's see where I go with this piece now since I don't want to just kill it.

      Time to talk about girls! Since the girls in my life have made a significant impact in my life, even the most recent ones, I'll dedicate a page for each one. Maybe that way I can finally get some closure? Let's get to it then.

      First on the list is a girl to whom I will refer to as Lin. This is the first girl to show me affection and friendship aka.

      Change of plans. I’ll start with the most recent girl that I met. Well not met as in person but “met” as in online. Let’s call her… Ackiejay. That’s a horrible alias but i’ll think of something better down the road. Time to tell her part of my story.

                                                                                                                      Part 2     

                        It couldn't have been more than a week since I had conversated with my friend… Vek. On that day Vek had messaged me while I was working so I wasn’t really in the mood to talk. Being in such a mood I opened Vek’s message and to my luck i’m glad I did. Vek had sent me a few texts saying “I just found your future wife”, “ She is the female version of you like all the way”. So me being me I asked him to send a picture of this girl because who wouldn't ? This girl could potentially be my future wife or a great friend! I receive his message with a sense of anxiety. If this girl is out of my league there is no way i’m going to be able to talk to her, let alone message her. I open the picture. This girl is beautiful. She reminded me of one of my sister’s old friend who I had a childhood crush on. Realizing that I clearly wasn’t in my league I tell Vek “This girl is so pretty but i’m not sure if I should talk to her” not having the wits to tell him that I thought she was out of my league. Vek proceeds to message me “Are you really going to pass the chance to atleast get to know her on Snapchat? I know that you will regret it one day”. Reading that message pushed me a state of panic. What if he’s right? This girl could potentially be my future wife! Or maybe even a lifelong friend since we seem to share similar interests, or so Vek believed. I asked Vek “Do you have her Snapchat? I don’t have an Instagram or Facebook so that’s a no go”. Vek replied “ Believe it or not I do”. Vek sends me a picture of her Snap ID. It’s a pretty sweet ID picture, one that I had not seen before. I add her son Snapchat and go back to working.

      A few hours have passed and I get a call from Vek. He tells me that if I wanted to go to the movies with him and Jantony. I think about it for a good minute. Do I really want to go to the movies at this time? Do I even have enough money? So like any rational person I tell Vek “Hell yeah, I get out at 10 will Jantony be able to pick me up?” Vek replies “Duh, we’re on our way right now”. Boom. I was locked into to going to the movies with my friends. Since I was still not sure on how much money I had I decided to make up an excuse so that Jantony could drive me to my house. I called Vek up again and told him “ Tell Jant that I need to feed the coffers because he’s starving at home right now!”. Jantony overheard what I said and yelled into Vek’s phone “ WE GOTS TO GO FEED THE COFFERS, I GOT YOU!”. Now I had the chance to look for a movie pass that was laying in one of my drawers in case I couldn't afford a ticket. They picked me up from work and we were on our way to my house. Jamming out in the car I decided to check my phone and Snap the moment. To my behest I saw that Jay had added me back. I’ll refer to her as Jay since it’s a bit easier to remember. I’m lying, it’s way easier to remember. Brushing the notification aside I told Vek that she added me back. Vek told me to tell her happy birthday since it was her birthday according to her Snapchat story and the birthday cake emoticon next to her name. You know what I did? I didn't message her happy birthday. Once we arrived at the movies all 3 of us were trying to buy tickets for the film Detroit. Jantony and I went through the old fashioned way of buying tickets at the teller since both of us had movie passes while Vek had to buy his ticket inside for whatever reason. Having got our tickets we went straight towards the room where Detroit was being played so we could get seats before the film began. We sat down at the top row of the room and the movie began. Vek leans over to me and tells me “Did you message her yet?” I respond “Can you shut up i’m trying to watch the movie my guy”. Vek had a point though. Would I message her or would I do what I always do and just become another “follower” to a list of strangers? No. I told myself that I was going to change. Eventually I would have to become socially active again so why not start with a person who probably won’t judge me on the way I chat online, which can seem weird as I had not been socially active for a long time. “Screw it” I thought to myself. What’s the worst that can happen? For the next 10 minutes I tried my hardest to think of a good opening line. “Hey, happy birthday” no that’s too dull. “Happy birthday Jay” no, that’s not even attempting to start a conversation. Bazinga, I found what my opening line would be. Of all the things I would write that night, that opening line was the greatest. I proceed to take out my phone and open Snapchat. I go over to the chat icon right next to Jay’s name and I send of the greatest messages ever. ‘Before global warming breaks all the ice, I just wanted to say hey and happy birthday’ the message read. I’ll be honest, the line wasn’t that great but it would definitely catch her attention! I show Vek and Jantony the message and they both look at me like I had three heads. “Well you just ruined the chance at talking the female you bro, congrats” Vek said. “Just follow through with it, you’re fully committed now. Just gopher it” Jantony added. Well I was sure glad that I had some great friends by my side!

     The message was sent and now it was the moment of truth. Did I ruin my shot at getting to know a presumed to be awesome girl? Or was it the perfect message to kick off a real friendship? Only time would tell. And it would tell pretty soon. I received the first message from Jay about 15 minutes from my first message and I was one confused guy. “She actually replied, Jay actually replied to my message!” I whispered to my friends in disbelief. Vek and Jantony both grabbed my phone looking at a lock screen with a notification saying that I had a new Snap from Jay. So this was that all of us had been waiting for. What could this message possibly say? Did she tell me to go screw myself? Did she just reply with a thanks? Did she even mean to reply? So many questions surrounded this one message, it was truly a grueling moment. Finally, I decided to open up the message and look at the dreaded message. My mind went blank. “Hey and thanks for saying happy birthday also, props to you and that line. It was good.” Jay’s message read. Crap. She actually responded and it was nothing I was ready for. It was the beginning of something that I wanted but also did not know how to go about… a conversation. Having read the message I leaned over to show Vek and Jantony the message. They were in awe. “What” both of them exclaimed. “She actually replied to you, she really just complimented the cheesiest ice breaker on earth” Vek said. “I don’t even know how to continue this conversation. What do I do!?” I told them. “Well I guess just be yourself, the first message was all you so maybe she’s willing to talk to someone like you” Vek reassuringly told me. Now I had to continue this conversation because so much was at stake for me. The story might get a little confusing from this point because believe it or not i’m juggling a conversation with someone; let’s not spoil the story yet. Where was I now. Oh yes! So as my mind rushed with different conversation topics I had to eventually pick one to get an actual conversation going. Obviously I went down the generic route and asked what she was doing. Ha, me being generic? I barely fit into that category anymore. What I really said was “I can’t believe you actually replied. Usually people tend to blow off openers like that and call it a day, but you didn’t.” A few minutes passed and my phone lit up. Jay had replied once again to my surprise. Jay’s message read “Well it’s the courteous thing to do. I’m not going to just blow you off, that would be rude of me”. ‘Wow’ I thought to myself. I already knew this girl was different. She’s not your run of the mill female. She’s something better. At this point I think Jay was trying to figure out who I was because who wouldn’t want to know why a person is interested in talking to them? Jay writes “How did you add me?”. “Oh crap” I tell myself. How the hell do I answer that? Do I actually tell her the truth? Na, that is extremely weird to tell a person you’re getting to know. “Well my friend told me that you were the female version of me, so on the off chance that we could become great friends I decided to add you and yeah”. “What should I say?” I asked Vek and Jantony, as they shrug off my question due to the level of investment they had in the film. “Guess I gotta think of something clever” I thought. “Well you just happened to magically appear on my friends list?” too vague. “I thought you were somebody that I used to know” too Gotye-esque. Then a lightbulb lit up. “I saw you in my quick add list and decided that I should add you because you had an awesome profile bit” perfect. How could that be seen as nothing other than the truth! I sent the message and awaited a response. The Detroit film is beginning to hit its climax and i’m here lost because i’m invested in not screwing up the start of a conversation. My priorities are really in the right place. Jay sends another snap. It says “ oh ok I was just curious”. “Whew that was a close one” I thought in relief. I felt bad leading her on to believe that what I had just sent was the truth but it was honestly better than sending the truth.

                                                        Part 3

       Over the next few days Jay and I conversate with moderation. I tried my best to keep a conversation going but I just simply was not that sure on how to do that. The conversations would be continuous and the replies were coming in at a normal rate but I just simply could not get a feel of emotion from her side. Was she just not interested in talking to me? Maybe she’s just testing the waters. I was getting closer and closer to the conclusion that Jay simply did not want to chat with me. Vek sends me a message “So? How is it going? Is she actually talking to you?”. In fear of being mocked by Vek I told him “Yeah man it’s going great but I just need something to boost the conversation and get some type of emotion from her, any advice?”. Vek replied minutes later saying “Just send her a picture of yourself. She’s probably weirded out that she has no idea how you look”. “NA, you’re bugging out. That’s so weird. How do I even explain that?”. Oddly enough I was given the opportunity to show her how I looked. While on a walk with my dog Jay had sent me a message but it was a struggle to get my dog to stay still so I sent her a video Snap. In the Snap I had explained to her that I was on a walk with my dog and that I would reply back in 10 minutes. Those 10 minutes turned into an hour but that’s a story for another time. Sorry for that Jay, lol. But guess what? It worked! Jay replied with an image of her wardrobe which was a mess but it was a start to a flow of pictures we would send each other. Now our pictures ranged from goofy things like unicorn meat to much more adult stuff like cookie spec pictures! All in all our conversations became much more… real? I was able to tell if a conversation topic was not of much interest more and more and she was becoming more curious about me too! Now it may have been because seeing my face actually made things real. I was no longer just a chain of faceless messages. There was a face behind the goofiness. She might have also found me attractive which in all cases is a plus but let me not make things up. I’ll give myself the benefit of the doubt and say that I am at least a cute person so I guess I could be right? Who knows, maybe i’ll ask her one day.

      This is where your story ends Jay. It’s not one of my best writing pieces but there is truth behind every word on this page. If things continue the way they are we’ll probably meet and who knows where things will go from there. Maybe you find me extremely boring in person. Maybe you find that i’m the perfect friend for you! Whatever the case is i’m extremely glad that I did message you. Even more glad that you answered.   

                                                End note

If you were wondering why I wrote this at such an early time in our friendship it’s because i’m changing everyday that passes( Also if it weirds you out that I wrote something about you i’m sorry that was definitely not my intention lol it’s something new that I’m doing). That isn’t hyperbole lol. A part of me is slowly going crazy and confused at the same time. You might be wondering why? I’ll direct you to another one of my pieces called “Ferry thoughts”. If even after reading this piece and the parent piece you still want to be friends i’ll be more than glad to be the closest friend ever. At a time of such uncertainty in who I will be, I can gladly say that talking to you really does put a smile on my face. Thank you for that Jay. Really.

                                               One more thing:

                              Don’t let global warming break all the ice!

                                                   -Ricardo

P.S. Looking back at this makes me feel a little weird. Who the hell does this lol. But um, I know this girl who might see everything wrong with the world and herself. I also know this guy who wants to make her see what he sees, but doesn’t know how. It might not make sense, but it does.

[islareeveswriting]

White Houses | HS Mini Fic | Chapter 2

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Jenny screams out and it's no pose 'Cause when she dances she goes and goes Beer through the nose on an inside joke And I'm so excited, I haven't spoken And she's so pretty, and she's so sure Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her Summer's all in bloom Summer is ending soon It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone But I hold onto your secrets in white houses

I woke up later than I’d have liked the next morning, and not at all of my own accord. Harry and I had fallen asleep on the sofa outside, and been woken up by the seagulls making their presence known as the sun just began to peek its head over the horizon. I’d slept soundly, head resting on Harry’s chest, rising and falling gently with his wheezy breathing, his arm wrapped around my back. In my own bed though, I couldn’t get back to it. On my own, my thoughts were consumed by him and the feeling he’d left inside me before we went our separate ways to our own rooms.

At some point I must have fallen asleep, but that didn’t make it any easier to wake up when Jen came bursting into the room to get me out of bed. She was ready for the day. Hair plaited in two boxer braids, a black and white, aztec patterned, bikini top on and a white high-waisted skirt. I could feel my hair was resembling a bird's nest that had fallen from the top branch of a tree, and the t-shirt that I’d pulled on to sleep in wasn’t exactly fresh smelling.

‘Come on lazy bones, time to get up, we’re going down the beach.’ Jen practically squealed, making me wince as she bounced onto the sofa bed and pulled the duvet off me, not caring for what I may, or may not, have been wearing underneath. ‘Andie, come onnn.’ Jen groaned as I grumbled and buried my head further into my pillow, really not wanting to get up yet. I was not a morning person and Jen knew that. ‘Harry really wants to see you.’ She cooed, mockingly.

‘Fuck off.’ I mumbled into the pillow waiting for her to disappear. I knew she wouldn’t, but a girl could hope. I heard her laugh and felt her weight leave the mattress. I turned my head a little to look after her, catching her going through my bag. ‘What are you doing?’

‘Trying to find something for you to wear.’ Jen explained, pulling clothes from my bag and throwing them to the floor carelessly. ‘Do you have any interest in looking like an eighteen year old woman?’ I rolled my eyes at Jen, my boyish style was something she’d never been able to get her head around.

‘Do you have any interest in not being so salty all the time?’ Jen chuckled as I sat up in my bed. That would be a no. ‘That will be fine Jen.’ I said pointing at the black and white bikini, rubbing my eyes free from sleep with the heel of my other hand, at the same time. The top looked more like a sports bra, white with black edging and straps and the bottoms were plain black briefs - simple. Jen threw it at me and I piled the swimming costume in my hand, swinging my legs out of the bed and waiting for clothes.

‘Go on, go put that on, I’ll find you something to wear.’ She told me, shewing me, with a flick of her wrist, out of the room. I groaned, but did as I was told, sliding lazily from the bedroom, practically dragging my feet behind me and letting my arms hang limply by my side.

The bathroom was a state. It looked like whoever had been in there last had showered on the floor rather than in the shower. I mopped it up as best as I could with the mat before turning the shower on to freshen myself up. I needed it. My skin felt sticky, and I felt half alive. My head was home to a dull thump from the mismatch of alcohol I’d consumed the following evening, probably not helped by the sun. I could imagine my father’s ‘I told you so’ look if he’d been there to see me, because no doubt he would have told me to slow up on the prosecco after drinking pimms all afternoon.

The shower was bliss. I ran the water just warm enough so I didn’t freeze and let it run over me before washing myself with the almond milk shower gel. It was Jen’s favourite, it was expensive and, she thought, sophisticated. I wasn’t completely convinced but it did smell nice and if nothing else, better than the stale scent I was wearing before washing. It didn’t do anything for my headache, but I felt more alive when I stepped out of the bathroom in my bikini, holding onto my underwear and t-shirt from the night before.

I watched my feet as I walked, mulling over how desperately the dark purple nail varnish needed replacing, and scalding myself for not sorting that out before leaving home. I was so consumed by my toes that I didn’t hear anyone coming up the stairs. I was only pulled from my thoughts when I was sent of balance by walking into something warm and soft and entirely not a wall, and entirely too much like another human for my cheeks not to blush.

‘Whoa,’ the voice was instantly recognisable, and of course I looked up into bright green eyes from the bare back I’d walked straight into, Harry turning to look down at me. Why did this stuff keep happening around him? He had hold of my arms and was holding me back from him a little so he could get a good look at me and chuckling as he did so. ‘Still a bit sleepy love?’ He asked and I nodded lazily, very aware that I was stood infront of him in only my bikini. Either Harry hadn’t noticed, though, or he was being particularly polite, because he didn’t look down to rake his eyes over my exposed flesh. ‘I told Jen to leave you to sleep for a bit longer.’ I hummed a forced laugh and shrugged.

‘That’s ok, I can sleep at the beach.’ I told him with a weak smile. Harry shook his head and smirked at me, half his mouth lifting to give his face a cocky quality that might have annoyed me had it not been Harry wearing the look, and had he not been making me feel the way I was. I raised an eyebrow at him questioningly.

‘No sleeping, you’ve got to come swimming with me, we did quite enough sleeping last night.’ He winked and it continued to have the same effect on me even twelve hours later. He was flirting with me, shamelessly, he knew exactly what he was doing and he knew exactly how it was making me feel. The only thing I felt I could do was play him at his own game, only I knew I definitely wasn’t as talented at it as he was.

‘I’d rather do more sleeping.’ I expressed, letting the words draw out my mouth lazily and narrowing my eyes at him a little, resisting the urge to wink at him the way he continued to do at me so knowingly. Maybe I was better at it then I thought because I saw him swallow, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat, before I sidled past him to my bedroom.

I practically stumbled through the open doorway, a little in shock at my own handling of the situation, leaving Harry standing dumbfounded, mouth agape, his eyes following me away from him, in the hallway. I fell against the door, closing it with my back, completely oblivious to Jen staring up at me, the same bewildered expression on her face that I’d left across Harry’s. I scratched my head not entirely sure if the interaction had really happened or if it was just in my head.

‘Andréa Bridges, were you just flirting with Harry Styles?’ Jen toyed, rising from her knees to stand in front of me. I shrugged at her, I really wasn’t sure, if I was it was a lot bloody easier than anyone had ever made it out to be.

‘I’m not really sure.’ Jen giggled at my answer and grabbed my hands pulling me into the room.

‘I’ll tell you what, there would be a heap of girls at uni jealous of you right now, he’s practically drooling over you, who’d have thought.’ I tried to ignore the back handedness of the compliment that I think was hidden in her words somewhere, and focused on the fact that I wasn’t completely mad in thinking Harry might have a little thing for me. I couldn’t help the smile that pulled at my lips, though I tried to keep it concealed.

The beach was no more than a two minute walk from the back gate of the house, and that was at dawdling pace. If you wanted it to, it didn’t have to take more than thirty seconds to be on the sand. We were carrying far too much stuff considering, we had more in our arms than people who had driven half an hour or more to get there. Harry had hardly said a word to me since our encounter in the hallway and I was beginning to think, in front of his friends, he wasn’t so eager to let his potential feelings be seen. I ignored the pit like feeling that left in me, and pretended not to notice his silence instead walking with Jen and laughing and joking with her.

We parked ourselves in a quiet spot, most people having located themselves closer to the carpark and cafe. Within half an hour of being on the beach, I was regretting agreeing to the tight, and far too tiny, denim shorts Jen handed me of hers in the bedroom. I’d spent the walk down from the house, along the boardwalk to the beach, trying to pull them down my thighs, though it made no difference. They were still too short for my liking. And once we were on the beach they were playing home to a whole heap of sand that was making me itch and the inside of my thighs sore.

It wasn’t helped by the fact the day before definitely wasn’t the hottest day of the year. The temperatures had rocketed and I was sweltering. I’d rid myself of my t-shirt fairly swiftly, but I wasn’t sure I felt comfortable taking my shorts off. And so I was sat on the beach, surrounded by people in their swim wear, in a pair of denim shorts that were making me sweaty, itchy and uncomfortable. It didn’t make sense to me either.

‘Are any of you gonna come swim?’ Harry groaned for about the fifth time as Jen looked up, from where she was laid sunning herself, to change the song on the playlist. I liked it, but clearly it wasn’t ‘cool’ enough for Jen. The boys mumbled some sort of excuses and I didn’t need to hear Jen’s response to know she wouldn’t. She couldn’t swim, and hated the sea for that reason alone, though loved the beach. It was confusing, but I knew trying to even get her to paddle would end in an argument so I sighed and stood up.

‘I’ll paddle with you.’ I bargained with him, brushing as much sand off me as I could. A dopey grin spread across his face and I could hardly help but smile in return, waiting for him to join me at my side before walking down to the sea. He had a pair of canary yellow boardies on. Not many people could pull them off, but there he was, matching it with a green and yellow cap, some logo on it that I couldn’t pin point, looking like a dream.

‘Last night was nice.’ Harry commented, zig zagging his walk and getting a little closer to me each time. I nodded and hummed in response. ‘Apart from when you kissed Zak, that wasn’t nice.’ I looked down at my feet then, his eyes falling hard on me. I’d half forgotten about the spin the bottle incident, it wasn’t really a kiss anyway, but Harry had made no secret of his jealousy over it and I wasn’t quite sure how that made me feel.

‘Just a game, didn’t mean anything did it.’ I told him, glancing up at him a little, bumping his arm with mine. He just shrugged, looking away from me now and seemingly refusing to meet my eyes. ‘Oi, don’t be like that, you kissed people too and I’m not throwing a strop.’

‘A strop!?’ The offence was clear in his voice, his eyes wide as he looked down at me from his height advantage. I had to laugh at him, he had the look of a petulant child and it tickled me. The smirk that was left behind from my giggle was still on my face when he shook his head and looked away again. ‘Well that’s it,’ I saw the mischief on his face and I narrowed my eyes waiting for a cheeky comment. It didn’t come though, instead he bounced into me and swept me up in his arms, ‘You’re coming swimming.’ I squealed and kicked my legs trying to free myself from his arms as he ran towards the water, but he was holding me tight against him and, in fear of falling from him, I wrapped my arms around his neck clinging on as he jogged effortlessly into the sea.

‘Harry no, please.’ I begged, breathless from squealing and laughing. ‘My shorts.’ I tried to point out but he paid no mind to my clothes just kept walking deeper, his shorts already getting wet as he continued into the water. ‘Harry.’ I cried as the waves began to lap at my bum. I lifted it away from the water hanging from Harry’s neck and trying to keep dry.

‘Should have thought about that before you accused me of having a strop.’ Harry explained with a devilish look on his face. I shook my head and begged him with my eyes. ‘You can stop giving me puppy dog eyes as well, it’s too late, you’re going in.’ He told me defiantly and I let out an exasperated laugh letting my head fall back. ‘You can swim can’t you?’ I thought about lying, but that would be unfair so I nodded. ‘Good, ready?’ He didn’t give me a chance to answer, ‘1.’

‘No Harry.’ He bounced me in his arms as I shook my head, but his eyes just got wide.

‘2,’ another bounce, eyes wider as I shook my head wildly, ‘3.’ He threw me in the air, but I was defiant, if I was going in so was he. I clung to his neck as I fell below the waves pulling Harry down on top of me as I went and refusing to let go until I was back above the water. ‘I wasn’t meant to get wet.’ He grumbled wiping salt water from his face as he surfaced after me. I chuckled at him, his curls wet underneath his hat that he was pulling back on tightly.

‘Well I was hardly going to let you get away with that was I?’ Harry huffed in response pushing himself back in the water and floating away from me. I pushed myself off my feet, taking two kicks to be at his side. ‘I’m sorry, that was mean, forgive me?’

‘As if I could say no.’ He smirked pulling me closer by my arm.

‘So was that why you were ignoring me walking down here?’ I asked him, harking back to his unprecedented jealousy. Harry just shrugged, pouting his lip a little and looking away. I didn’t really know what to say to him, if he really was jealous (which I found a little difficult to believe, as far as I could see there was nothing to be jealous of) I didn’t know how to stop that, so I left it be.

‘Those shorts are gonna be pretty useless for the rest of the day.’ He pointed out, changing the subject and pulling at one of the belt loops of my shorts as I floated on my stomach beside him.

‘You’ll have to go and get me some more.’ I shrugged pouting my lips a little at him.

‘Or you could just go in your bikini like normal people do at the beach.’ I shrugged and looked away, still not sure how I felt about that prospect. ‘What you worried about?’ I shrugged again. ‘Andie - wait what’s your actual name?’

‘Andréa.’

‘Andréa, you look fucking amazing, and even if you didn’t who gives a shit, I’m the only one allowed to look at you anyway.’ I scoffed at his comment and shook my head at him not entirely sure I liked it.

‘I’m not yours Harry.’ I reminded him sternly.

‘Yet.’ I scoffed again at his cocksuredness. Obviously he’d got an extra boost of confidence from somewhere and his ego appeared to be growing.

‘Someone’s a bit sure of themselves aren’t they.’ I commented letting him pull me closer again, but resisting the pull to be right at his side, against him.

‘You’re not sure enough love.’ He told me with a twitch of his eyebrows. I took a deep breath trying to calm the whirlwind inside me that was sending up feelings I couldn’t name. They were new, and exciting but ever so terrifying at the same time. ‘Trust me you look good in that bikini, and you look best when you’re being confident with me.’ I laughed loudly, throwing my head back. ‘I’m being serious.’ I just shook my head and rolled my eyes. I knew it was a compliment, but I wasn’t good at taking those so I changed the subject.

‘What’s the go with the yellow?’ I asked motioning towards his hat and shorts.

‘Packers.’ The look of confusion was obviously clear because he chuckled at me as it washed over. ‘American football team, the one I go for more importantly.’

‘You’re not into American Football are you?’ I chided flaring my nostrils. He nodded and I had to roll my eyes, going in for that confident thing he said he liked as best I could. ‘Jee and I thought you were a decent guy.’

‘Heyyy.’ Harry dipped his brows and pouted his bottom lip at me, as if I’d genuinely hurt his feelings. ‘You’ll have to get into it if you’re gonna date me.’ He pointed out. How could he be so unashamedly forward when I was struggling to even take his compliments? It baffled me, but I couldn’t deny I quite liked it.

‘Who said I’m gonna date you?’

‘Your eyes.’ He smirked, pointing at them as he named them. If he could see in my eyes what I could see in his, he probably wasn’t wrong. But, I was trying so hard to keep it hidden that it frustrated me that he could see through me so easily.

‘You’re getting far too ahead of yourself Styles.’

I don’t know how long we were in the sea for, but when we eventually emerged my fingertips were beginning to wrinkle and I could feel the salt drying on my skin and in my hair, making it sticky. We’d been being overtly flirty with each other whilst we were alone in the water; taking any chance to lay our hands on one another, giggling each time and holding each other’s eyes for time that would normally feel awkward. I couldn’t help but wonder if Harry would be so openly coy with his friends around.

‘Why don’t you take those off, they can’t be comfortable?’ Harry suggested pointing towards my saturated shorts. Admittedly, they were uncomfortable, clinging to my thighs and rubbing the skin raw as I walked. But, I could anticipate a sly comment from Jen and that played at the back of my mind and made me feel anxious. ‘If she says anything I’ll remind her what an idiot she made of herself last night.’ Harry bargained, winking as he did so as if he could read my mind. ‘You just gotta play her at her own game, she’ll soon stop being like that.’

‘I’ve known her a little longer than you, trust me I’ve tried, I think being a cousin to Jen is a little different to being a friend.’ I told him, but reminded myself of the promise I’d made before leaving home, to be more confident and less worried about what people might say or think. I unbuttoned my shorts and pushed them down my legs, instantly feeling better for having the sodden denim off.

‘Better?’ Harry asked and I nodded with a smile. Even then, like earlier in the morning, in the hallway, he didn’t scan over my body instead just looked me straight in the eye and smiled back.

I took the lead back up the beach to the others. We walked closer than we had earlier when we walked down to the sea, before Harry had picked me up. There was no awkward zig zagging to try and get closer sneakily, we just walked, arms brushing each other, fingers tantalizingly close to being in one another’s hands. I considered taking his hand, but that was too much even for this confident me I was trying to let come naturally rather than forcing it, so I settled with letting our knuckles skim each other every now and again and hoped Harry was fighting the same urge.

When we reached the others, Zak and Finn were up kicking a ball between them, but Jen was laid in the same spot she had been when we left them, only on her back rather than her front. She had the same music playing as earlier, it could have even been the same song for all I knew, but she had a hat covering her face from the sun so she didn’t see Harry and I approach.

‘Alright love birds?’ Zak asked with a wink and knowing smirk that had me blushing. I saw Harry just shrug before he upped his speed running into Zak to take the ball from his feet. Zak was too quick for Harry though and he turned on his heel, getting away from Harry before Harry got close.

‘You wanna play, two on two?’ Finn shouted out to me, pointing at him and Zak and then me and Harry.

‘Yes she does, we’re gonna own you.’ Harry grinned before I even had a chance to respond.

‘Erm excuse me, I believe Finn was asking me and I believe Finn and I are about to own you and Zak, actually.’ I countered for no other reason than to rile Harry a little bit. His face fell, his nostrils flaring a little, but I simply shrugged at him. He had to get over this jealous thing. I mean, I liked that he got jealous, it was flattering in a roundabout way. However, I knew I would never be his if he got jealous every time I did something with another boy. I still wasn’t sure if I even wanted to be his at all. It was confusing, but I paid no mind to it instead went to join Finn at the opposite end of the makeshift football pitch from Harry.

‘I’m not gonna go easy on you love.’ Harry announced, shouting loudly down the pitch towards me.

‘I didn’t ask you too.’ I pointed out, placing my hands on my hips and moving them from side to side waiting for the game to start.

It did, and I tried to remember everything I’d ever taken in about the skill of football. Most of it seemed common sense and I definitely felt I held my own. I managed to take the ball from both Harry and Zak at least twice, and didn’t even consider holding back in the tackles. Harry was clearly not expecting me to be any good, because the first time I took the ball off him I heard him splutter a surprise filled, huff of a laugh as I ran towards the goal with the ball, kicking it across to Finn, before Zak caught up with me, for him to score a goal. I also saw the way he had to look away when I ran to Finn for a celebratory hug.

‘Yes Andie, go on take a shot.’ Finn called after me as I dodged Harry yet again. I laughed at the sound of frustration I heard come from him before taking a shot at the t-shirt, marked goal, the ball sailing past Zak and through the DIY posts. I squealed with delight, turning to Finn and running to him. His arms were outstretched when I reached him, enveloping me and lifting me off my feet, spinning me round as he did so. I laughed wildly as spun us at a dizzying speed, a bright, perfect grin on his face below me.

‘Come on mate put her down.’ I heard Harry call and the laugh fell from my face. I turned to look at him as Finn placed me back on the floor, the smile dropped from his face too. Harry had a look of pure envy spattered across his features. His nostrils were flared, his eyes narrowed, his jaw tightly set. He looked just like Zak had looked when he watched Jen on Finn’s lap the night before. I shook my head at him, frustrated that he felt he could be like that.

‘I need a time out.’ I chuckled to ease any tension, jogging away from the boy’s to where Jen was. She’d sat up now and was watching us play, but it didn’t appear she was really concentrating. Her lips were pursed and she only noticed me when I was virtually with her. ‘You ok?’ I asked a little concerned. I could see she was deep in thought, and I should have guessed something might be up when she didn’t make a comment about my lack of shorts.

‘Yeah, bit hungover I think.’ Jen laughed, but it was obviously fake and forced. I sat down next to her on the round towel. My bikini was stone dry after running around in the sun and my hair was beginning to settle in curls, held in place by sea water and sand. Jen looked up to me and smiled weakly, we both knew it wasn’t a hangover that had her sat alone watching as her friends played in the sunshine.

‘What’s up?’ I asked. She wouldn’t lie, not to me. We never lied to one another, not even white lies. Even when I’d stolen the last of her Milky Bar Buttons that she’d been saving, hidden in her bedside table, I couldn’t pretend I hadn’t. We were four and I couldn’t lie about milky bar buttons, so when she asked me, ten years later, if I’d slept with the random boy at the party to get it over and done with, I was surprised how easily it came.

We kept secrets, we were good at that, we were secret keepers and we kept each other’s like our lives depended on it. She knew whatever she told me would come to the grave with me if that’s what she wanted.

‘I slept with Finn last night.’ She admitted after a heavy sigh, looking down at her feet, her face sullen as she chewed on the inside of her cheek. This wasn’t Jen, she slept with people all the time, it’s just what she did, there was something else here. I just looked at her for a moment, but she never said anything. It looked like she wanted to, she kept taking breaths and squinting her eyes. There was something on her mind that she wasn’t sharing, but it appeared to be the only thing she could think about.

‘Oh right,’ I wasn’t sure what to say, but I knew I had to say something. It didn’t matter how many mean things she’d say or do, or how little she made me feel sometimes, I’d never be able to watch her be so unlike herself and not try and help. Maybe I was too nice for my own good, but I’d rather that than have a callous reputation precede me. ‘Did something happen? You worried it wasn’t a good idea?’ Jen simply nodded, sniffing as she did so. ‘Why’s that?’ I queried. For a second or two she didn’t respond, she didn’t shrug or shake her head, she didn’t say anything or even make a sound.

‘No reason I’m being stupid.’ She lied, she knew I’d see through it, we never lied to one another so the fact she was doing so now, said a lot. I didn’t know why she had something she felt she couldn’t tell me about, but I couldn’t help but feel it was something to do with Zak and the way he’d been watching her all night, as she sat on Finn’s lap and played with his hair and toyed with his fingers. But, more than that the way she let her eyes fall on him when he wasn’t looking and the flash of sadness that ran through them before she turned her attention back to acting drunk and giving Finn big doe eyes.

‘Ok, well you gonna come play?’ I asked motioning my head towards the three boys stood around in a small circle, presumably talking amongst themselves, as I stood up again, dusting the back of my thighs free of the sand that had stuck to them. I turned to Jen and outstretched my hand, encouraging her to come with me. She shook her head though, looked up to me, her chocolate coloured eyes meeting my virtually identical ones and giving me a half hearted, feeble smile to tell me she wasn’t in the mood.

‘Nah I’ll stay here, you go, keep giving Harry the wrong idea.’ She winked and smiled evilly before laying back down on her back, the same wicked smile plastered on her face, the conversation that had preceded completely forgotten. I felt my heart drop with her words though, right down into my stomach where it rocked and made me feel nauseous.

Why I let her get to me I didn’t know, but I did let her get to me. I wasn’t even sure what the wrong idea I might be giving Harry was, but the thought that I might be doing it was enough to make me not want to ever lead anyone on. Just because I was confused by him didn’t mean I was leading up the garden path, did it? I was confused because it promised to be complicated, not because I wasn’t sure how I felt. He made me buzz with what he made me feel, every bit of me was electrified when he looked at me the way he did, and said the things he said. I couldn’t ignore it because it was too intense to be able to. I liked him, I liked him alot.

I’d never been struck by a bout of instant attraction, but with Harry I’d imagine most people would struggle. But, what if he wasn’t like this with everyone? What if he didn’t smile after them even after they’d turned away, didn’t let his eyes linger over them for longer than necessary, trickle his fingers over them at any given opportunity? What if it was just me? I pushed the thoughts away, told myself to stop being stupid and turned back to the boys.

And there he was, staring at me with that grin on his face that made me need to take a deeper breath. That dimpled cheek, those perfect teeth and crinkled eyes, straight at me. Then Finn said something and Harry nodded, his smile falling to something less intense, like he was surrendering to something and my heart skipped a beat at the innocence of it and how starkly different, but entirely the same, it was as the one that went before it. His eyes stayed on me as I padded back across the sand to them, but I looked anywhere but at Harry, feeling like I was under the spotlight when I was caught in his stare.

‘She being boring?’ Finn asked once I was close enough that I could hear him as he spoke without raising his voice at all.

‘Hungover.’ I lied with an eye roll for effect. The boy’s all chuckled but I couldn’t help but question if Finn really believed me or knew better. She’d appeared to be drunk enough to deserve a hangover that would last another few hours yet. Of course, I knew she hadn’t really been that drunk at all, but it was becoming clearer that perhaps Jen wasn’t as honest with these people as she’d been with me and maybe it was taking its toll on her to keep up with both.

‘Oh well her loss.’ Harry cracked, grabbing my hand and smiling at me, possibly able to see a glimmer of concern on my face. ‘You’re on my team now, love.’ And there it was that little word that made my cheeks blush, warming me from the inside out. I had to bite back the smile that tried to sneak onto my face with it and looked down to my feet as Harry pulled me away from Finn and Zak. We stopped in front of our goal, but he didn’t let go of my hand straight away, instead circled his thumb across the back of it gently, eliciting sparks up my arm. ‘You ok?’ He asked sensitively.

‘Yeah, m’good.’ I told him smiling to assure him, but also because I couldn’t help myself. There was a feeling inside me that he genuinely cared, he looked at me like he honestly wanted to know, and also make sure, that I was ok. I hadn’t been looked at like that by anyone (bar my dad, but that was very different) and it felt amazing.

Jen did eventually join in, slipping into Finn and Zak’s team to make it an unfair game. Harry and I still rampaged the field though, somehow slipping past Finn and Zak several times to trounce their score by double. Jen didn’t really do much apart from that thing people tend to do, though I’d thought normally teenage, hormonal girls, where they’re too worried of embarrassing themselves and as a byproduct embarrass themselves. She got something out of it though, namely Zak helping her to her feet after she tripped over mine as I tackled the ball from her. I didn’t miss the way she had to chew her bottom lip to stop from smiling up at him, or the way she watched after him with that smile, unbitten, as he chased after Harry with the ball.

I knew that look. I felt that look inside me when I caught myself staring at Harry and thinking about tracing the outline of his butterfly or his swallows with my fingertips, being close enough to his bare chest to see every detail of the ink.

‘Andie!?’ I uncocked my head clearing my throat at the urgent call of my name. Once again I’d been caught staring by Jen, but this time not just by her. I saw the discerning smirk on Zak’s face and the way Finn was looking at Harry with eyebrows raised, Harry looking at me with that cocky smile I half wanted to slap from his face but half destroyed me. I turned my head to Jen who was shaking her head mouth agape. ‘Jesus girl, are you ok? Do you want a beer?’

‘Leave her alone Jen, she likes my tattoos.’ Harry spoke before I could even nod, let alone respond verbally. I saw him take a couple of steps closer out of the corner of my eye.

‘I don’t think it’s your tattoos she’s drooling over H.’ Jen remarked.

‘I’m right here guys, literally right here.’ I reminded them both, earning a chuckle from Finn who was now bored of the interaction kicking the ball at his feet into the air to start on a impressive run of keepy uppies, though he was yet to beat Zak. ‘Yes I’d like a beer thank you.’ I finished turning to Jen and moving to follow her, but being pulled back in the opposite direction by a hand that was becoming all too familiar.

‘So what is it you’re drooling over if not my tattoos?’ Harry asked, his tongue finding a resting spot on one of his pointed teeth, the tip of it running along the pearly white dagger as he waited for me to respond. I felt my nostrils twitch and I licked my lips to try and keep composure, remembering to play him at his own game.

‘The guy, behind you who was playing rugby.’ I lied pulling my hand easily from his grasp when he turned quickly with a worried look to the guy who wasn’t, and had never been, behind him. He thought he had me on a string but it was clear to me I had him hook, line and sinker.

‘That was unfair.’ He called out jogging to my side to walk with me.

‘So were you.’ I pointed out, eyes on Jen and the Desperados she was fetching from the cool box.

‘I only wanted to know what you were drooling over?’ I gave him a warning glare. ‘What? I’m happy to admit I can’t stop myself drooling over you.’

‘I’d rather you didn’t drool, drooling’s for dogs, it’s gross.’ I scalded though I didn’t know why.

‘Why are you being so difficult all of a sudden?’ Harry pulled my arm again. I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to act like he’d frustrated me. He hadn’t it was banter, it’s what we’d been doing all day. He was paying me compliments that at the very least should have had my cheeks feeling rosy, why I felt the need to rebuke him so cruelly I didn’t know. I was bordering on the line that I didn’t want to be bordering on and so I gave into his gentle tug to get me to face him, and looked up into his eyes. ‘I’m sorry if I embarrassed you ok?’ He offered clearly a little butt hurt by the whole thing. ‘I just, I like looking at you and I thought, well I wanted to know if you liked looking at me and I was trying to be cheeky about it cause I like how it makes you blush when I’m-’

‘I do like looking at you ok?’ I admitted, cutting off his fumbling speech before he said something he regretted. The smile that wound over his face at my words could have knocked me for ten, my confession obviously having the same effect over him as his had, had over me.

‘So you were drooling?’ He smirked. Back to that again. Why did it look so annoyingly good on him?

‘I wasn’t drooling, Jesus.’ I groaned and he chuckled clearly getting the desired reaction. ‘I actually was admiring your tattoos, I like them, they’re cool, ok?’ He smiled again, self assured, but not at all arrogant. He surfed that line easily, and made it look effortless all the while.

‘Which ones your favourite?’ Harry questioned, tilting his head a little to one side. I bit my lip and looked over his body. I scanned the artwork, raking my eyes over each piece slowly, taking my time over his tight muscles that evened out with soft flesh around his hips as well as the ink.

‘I’ll have to think about it.’

‘Andie.’ I turned to Jen’s call. She was holding a bottle of beer in the air for me. I smiled in her direction and flicked my head back to Harry as he dropped my arm that I’d almost forgotten he was holding until he wasn’t holding it anymore.

‘Ok, well let me know later then.’ I nodded at him before turning away, almost skipping towards Jen.

I was so close to something. On the verge of it and it made my heart race with a nervous anticipation that made my stomach turn with a hint of sickness, but made every part of me, even my mind, feel light.

It got dark slowly. The sky turned from pale blue, to a wash of pinks and oranges that became slowly saturated with purple and then eventually navy blue. We were lit by the flames of the BBQ that we relit when it began to get cold. But it didn’t help and I found myself wandering back to the house with Finn to fetch a collection of jumpers and some blankets. We wanted to stay on the beach. It was clear we all felt like we were in some movie where we were embarking on the summer of our lives and curled up together around flames, smothered by woolen blankets that had smothered me as a toddler, anything was within reach.

My nose still stung from the beer I’d snorted out of it as Jen danced around on the sand, calling out a joke only the two of us got. Referencing a memory I’d practically forgotten about. The time her mother had come home from a party that our parents had gone to together, drunk out of her mind and teaching the children how to dance ‘a la seventies.’ The boys didn’t get it but they all laughed as I choked on my beer and Jen danced like something out of a Wham music video. She was at her best when she was like this, there was always that thing in the back of my mind though, that the worst of her was hiding in there somewhere.

‘So I guess Jen told you then?’ Finn asked, his question taking me a little by surprise. We were nearly at the gate and the walk so far had been in silence. It didn’t really bother me. I knew nothing about him, he knew nothing about me, despite my promises I was still shy and I think he was too so we were happy saying nothing. But now he’d asked me and I wasn’t going to lie so I nodded. ‘You won’t tell anyone will you?’

‘No of course not.’ I told him with a smile and he looked beyond grateful, back at me.

‘I should have known she’d tell someone, I don’t know why I trusted her to be the first one I told, I guess at least she told you and not Zak or someone.’ I felt my eyebrows fold in and I looked at the back of Finn’s head. Those words didn’t sound like they related to what Jen had told me. Finn looked over his shoulder at me and obviously saw the confusion on my face. ‘We’re not talking about the same thing are we?’

‘I don’t think so, no.’ I told him, honestly. ‘She told me you slept together last night, she told me she didn’t think it was a good idea, but that was it.’ I explained to him, and he nodded gently obviously feeling a little guilty for thinking Jen had spilled some big secret of his. ‘She’s good at keeping secrets, you don’t need to worry about her telling people.’ I reassured with a smile to match that tone. He nodded again and I overtook him on the path to the house.

‘Did she say why she didn’t think it was a good idea?’ He asked from behind me. I shook my head, focusing on unlocking the backdoor before answering.

‘No, I get the feeling it’s something to do with Zak though.’ I admitted a little careless from the beer I’d been drinking.

‘Yeah maybe.’ Finn hummed, stepping into the house behind me as I flicked lights on to illuminate the place. ‘Might be the fact I told her I was gay though.’ It came from nowhere and I hadn’t been expecting it. No one had ever opened up to me like that, if Jen had been the first to know I was the second and he didn’t even know me. ‘Sorry you didn’t need to know that.’

‘Don’t be sorry, it’s fine, I’m happy you feel you can tell me.’ I told him with a smile turning on my heel to face him. ‘And don’t worry about Jen, it might be that, but I’d take a guess it’s something to do with the fact she’s got a massive crush on Zak.’

‘Oh I know, it’s sickening isn’t it?’ I laughed and nodded. ‘Zak’s got a bit of a reputation for going for modelesque girls and Jen doesn’t think she’s worthy.’ Finn explained to me. I found it hard to believe. Jen was stunning, I knew she was stunning, everyone knew she was stunning. Why did she think she wasn’t worthy of Zak? Maybe she wasn’t as confident and sure as she came across, maybe despite the bravado she was just as scared and unsure as me. Maybe she was just better at hiding it. Maybe that wasn’t a good thing.

Conversation flowed easily like Finn hadn’t just been the most honest with me he’d been with anyone bar Jen. I’d meant it when I’d said I was happy he felt he could tell me. It made me feel like I was the kind of person I tried so hard to be. Confident and outgoing was nice and I really didn’t want to be the shy little girl at the back anymore, but I still wanted to be the person people felt they could trust and bare their souls to, be completely themselves around. As far as I could see there was no better way to be.

Back on the beach, Jen was skewering marshmallows onto sticks to toast over the flames. I threw her hoodie at her and took my space next to Harry. We’d been sat with each other for the entire evening and for some reason had been forcing ourselves to keep a reasonable distance from one another, our hands wrapped around beer bottles and self-constructed burgers. But, I gave up on that now, and narrowly missed his outstretched leg as I sat down next to him. He was leant back on his arms and my back fell against it lightly, so I was caught against his shoulder quite comfortably. I flicked my eyes to him, the corners of his mouth lifted as I spread the blanket out over us handing him his hoodie.

‘I’m ok, you have it. You cold?’ The offer and the question seemed the wrong way, but I nodded nonetheless. ‘You put it on.’ I had my own but I couldn’t turn down the offer of pulling on his hoodie so I did. The large black jumper swamped me, it was warm and cosy and smelt deliciously similar to him. ‘Better?’ He asked lifting the hood up over my head to trap yet more heat. I nodded, though my eyes were focusing on the two marshmallow sticks Jen handed to us.

It wasn’t just the heat from the fire, or the trapped warmth from wearing Harry’s hoodie that helped the goosebumps fade. Harry had his arm around me, tightly, unashamedly not caring if Jen, or Finn or Zak or anyone else who might care to look, could see how close he held me as we moved forward to hold our marshmallows over the fire. It had been two days but I had real feelings surging around inside me for this kind eyed, gentle boy. It felt so natural to be curled into his body, his strong bare arm holding me there. I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to. I didn’t think he wanted to either so I didn’t even try.

We all gorged ourselves on marshmallows until we were feeling sickly with the taste, the first bag finished and the second nearly the same. I dropped my stick to the sand and fell against Harry with a huff. The laugh he let out vibrated through his chest and subsequently rattled me as well. His hand ran up my arm, resting on my shoulder where he squeezed gently, comforting in a different way to anything that had relaxed me before.

‘Feeling a bit sick love?’ He asked, whispered, against the hood of his jumper, where his head rested softly. I nodded and he hummed a chuckle into my hair, taking the hood back a little. ‘Wanna lie down?’ He offered and my heart went from a steady walk to a full blown canter, jumps and all, we’re talking Grand National esque racing. I swallowed and I knew he felt it because he began to rub, gentle, reassuring circles onto my arm through the jumper.

‘Ok.’ I practically choked, barely even a whisper. He maneuvered us a little, taking the blanket from our legs to lay it behind us for our heads and back, so that as we laid down my head rested on his chest and his arm remained close around me, holding me there comfortably. I heard a sharp intake of a breath and recognised it as Jen but I paid it no attention, focusing on trying to restore my heart to a normal rate and keeping my thoughts rational.

‘Good?’ Harry asked, again whispered. I nodded against his chest, squirming a little to get comfortable. Tentatively, and slowly, probably minutes later, I let my hand ghost up his chest to rest over the bare muscle, fingers just touching his skin, palm loosely fitting over him. I thought I felt him shiver, I definitely heard him clear his throat so I let my hand sit heavier against him.

It felt like we laid there for hours, silence falling over all of us, the only sound that of the crackling fire. I lifted my head to look at everyone. They’d all followed suit, the sickly sweet, bag and a half of marshmallows too much for all of us. It looked like we were all sleeping but I could hear Jen whispering as she lay opposite Zak, facing him, but a distance between them.

I twisted my head to look back at my companion. His hand had fallen down my back a little as I sat up, I could feel it resting just shy of my skin, his little finger on the cusp between the jumper and the bare, back of my thigh. I could have moved to allow him to find it but I got caught off guard by his eyes that were looking up to me, his neck a little strained to meet my gaze.

‘Alright?’ He breathed and I nodded with the softest smile. He looked satisfied with that as he lay back down, head on the blanket that he’d adjusted to make a small pillow. Harry’s arm tightened around me and pulled me higher up his body with ease, my leg breezing against his, the leg of his shorts coming with me for a second until he stopped so I was right above him, looking down at him. ‘So did you decide on the tattoo?’

‘Hmm.’ I mulled it over, I hadn’t given it another thought if I was honest but I knew I had to choose. I bit into my bottom lip and looked back over him as best I could from my position above him. My arm had been resting across his chest and I had to move it lower down his body to twist enough to get a proper look at all the stains on his skin. ‘I think this one.’ I told him, pointing to the butterfly and looking up at his eyes with a childish grin. He smiled, holding back a small laugh.

‘Why?’ He queried and I shrugged. I had absolutely no idea.

‘Just good init.’ I told him and he laughed, a bark of humour that made me chuckle. ‘What?’

‘You were definitely not checking out my tattoos, you can’t even tell me why you like them.’ I blushed, I’d been caught out, but that didn’t change the fact I did admire the artwork, or at least most of it, that decorated his body. ‘You’re into me?’ I blushed harder but he couldn’t see in the darkness so I didn’t let it affect me. I felt his hand trail down the jumper again from the curve of my spine back to the edge of the jumper. He wanted his hand on my skin as much as I did but something was holding him back. ‘I’m into you if it helps.’ It did. I needed that confirmation.

‘Same.’ I whispered looking down. Clearly he needed it too because in the next second his hand had trailed down the back of my thigh and pushed his massive hoodie up to get to the exposed skin on my back, a chill seeping up under the fabric as he did so, but his hand recovered any warmth that left.

The smile that followed was something entirely different to what he’d been showing of up until then. It was entirely genuine and genuinely pure happiness and relief. It was infectious, like every other smile he’d flashed, and I mirrored him coyly, blushing as I looked down at his chest again. My hair fell from behind my ear, it hit his chest and curtained us off from one another. He didn’t stand for that though and in the next second his fingers were in my hair, tucking it back behind my ear securely and taking my chin so he could tip my face to look at him. Harry shuffled underneath me, lacing our legs together so I was half over him, half still on the blanket. One arm was still wrapped around me, home in the curve on my back and the other was holding my face in place.

We didn’t say another word. I didn’t feel we needed to. Harry lifted his head again and there were less than inches between us. I was begging him to close the gap, maybe he saw that or maybe he went of his own accord, I’m not sure but he did close the gap and he pressed his lips softly onto mine.

It was gentle and tentative, until I kissed him back and he sighed hungrily into my slightly parted mouth. It felt like sweet relief after two days of teasing back and forth, flirting that left us both high and dry every time. His lips on mine felt just as good as I might have imagined they would, sweet and soft and warm. As first kisses went, it was pretty close to perfect. A little messy and full of wanting, a trip of small discoveries, every sense alive with one another. I slowed it down as his hand gripped my back, gently pulling back from him. I didn’t miss the slight groan he let out as I did so. I didn’t want to. Of course I wanted to carry on, of course I wanted more.

I laid down beside him on my side and reached for his hip, pulling him to face me. He still had that hat on, holding his curls in place. I wanted to lay with him and run my fingers through them and I made a promise to let myself do that. He was scanning my face, possibly searching for something, I didn’t know what but his hand had returned to caress my hip, circling over the flesh there, my hand trailing up from his hip to his chest.

‘Will you stay in my bed tonight?’ He asked cautiously, barely audible even for me. ‘I just don’t want this to end.’ He admitted, scooting closer so he could lean down and kiss me again, catching my lips unaware but I was all too quick to give in and mold into his.

Summer was in full swing and I was on a high with it. But, it would all be over soon and I don’t think I’d ever be ready for that crash.

Ahh Andie and Harry making moves, cute? I hope you love them as much as I do, please let me know I love hearing your thoughts about the story and the characters.

Big love to my top lads @cuddlemusclestyles and @harrysmeadow for being baes and reading all the stuff and helping me find pictures for instas and talking shit with me about #handie. Love you long time bbys. 

I hope you enjoy, love to hear your thoughts xx